“I always think… maybe I know this. Without thinking about it, I do not lapse into ‘knowing for sure.’ I have always assumed there is at least some delusion in certainty. I will get lost. My life will be wasted.”
This is the moment, the moment of all moments, the dream that I have dreamed my entire life. I have found my way at last.
I knew as a girl that I would never have children. Somehow I already knew that my life held a different purpose, one that I was to discover.
I have lived the sum of many distractions and false starts. I lived through a long period where I could not achieve financial independence, a calamity that slowly destroyed my resilience and strength.
All of this is in the past. A past that means very little to me now. Everything I have done and lived up until now has been swept away. All but my many years of purification by fully awakened, nigh to ferocious kundalini, which I now know as the the divinely transforming possession by demonic entities.
I did the work. Now I begin.
I was motivated (mightily) by the pressure of my mid-life crisis. What will I do with the remaining part of my life? I put my life back on a solid footing. I greatly expanded my tiny comfort zone. I shed distractions. I embraced my currently solitary life, and ceased dating. I deleted extensive social media and other online time sinks. I bid farewell to watching silly slasher movies multiple nights each week with my online friends. I finished the novella I was working on (I can go back to it later, it still calls to me). And I found that I had to back out of a project with a friend.
I didn’t know yet that I was about to come across my life’s purpose. I just felt the need to empty my life, to start over in some way. None of those things seemed relevant to me anymore. One by one, they slipped into the past.
This is the moment, the moment of all moments, the dream that I have dreamed of my entire life. I have found my way at last.
I have found my life’s calling. I have heeded the Call of the path of the gods and demons. I am living the life of a sorceress and mage on the Left Hand Path. It is real. It is all real. And it is the life I have always dreamed of for myself.
A life that is based upon magic.
A life that is magic.
Edward Robert Hughes – Whispers on the Wind
After weeks of practice, I have found in myself the bridge to other worlds. I have learned how to enter and travel on the astral plane. I have met gods, and experienced the void. I know now the world I have known is a very small portion of the worlds and pathways that exist at the subtle level.
I was working a visualization that involved a container made of fire. I felt my state change. My mind became very still, and I could feel that my astral body was actually sitting in the triangle made of fire; it was an astral image, and I was living it in my subtle body. The pyramid of fire was real, and my subtle body sitting inside of it was real. The amount of energy was amazing.
“THIS IS REAL.” I was thrilled beyond anything that has ever happened to me. And nothing could be more exciting than a confirmation that the Occult is real. My new path, the Draconian Current is real.
Last night as I was preparing for sleep, I spontaneously asked of the Current, I need some way to know this path is real. To not think maybe it’s real, which is the way I think about everything in my life.
Give me a sign, show me something unmistakable. Something I did not or could not make up.
I always think… maybe I know this. Without thinking about it, I do not lapse into ‘knowing for sure.’
I have always assumed there is at least some delusion in certainty. I will get lost. My life will be wasted.
This subtle dialogue has always been there. And I have still lost my way many times, but I always made it back to the journey that mattered, the one that leads to THIS.
The time is now. This is the moment of all moments.
I have stepped beyond that ambivalence. I am ready now to know what is real. I will not be caught up by delusion, whether created by society or myself. I have reached the place I am destined to reach in this life.
I have found my life’s purpose! I am living the life of a Draconian mage on the Left Hand Path. It is real. And it is the life I have always dreamed of for myself.
When I was a girl… in the third grade… I was devastated by being shut out of the world of magic I had discovered wandering amongst the shelves of my elementary school library. I was sitting on the floor in front of that special shelf, reading one of those special books… reading in the last paragraph that there would be no more books about Ozma and Oz. I felt like I had been punched in my magical gut. I didn’t realize it until many years later, but I never got over it.
As a teen, I was greatly traumatized by the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I had seen a glimpse of a life of magic, and what I was left with was worse than ordinary. Far worse.
A life without magic.
Careful, dear reader. Listen to what I am saying. I am not just a post-modern white chick mourning the Victorian belief in Rousseau’s reclaimed soul of the natural wilds, riding the surge of yearning ever rippling outward from the birth of Romanticism.
There is a reason I found these books. There is a reason why they affected me the way they did. And that reason is inside of me, and has its own logic, and a process that involves multiple lifetimes.
When I was a girl… I fantasized endlessly about an unused space in the wall between my room and the room of my brother. I compared rough measurements in each space to see if there was a secret place in there, one where I could go, and get away from the mundane world.
Of course, I know now that houses don’t build in an empty space. But that isn’t the point.
I was searching for a place for me… a place…
I was searching for the secret world of magic.
“Recognize the call as a prime fact of human existence... align life with it... find the common sense to realize that accidents, including the heartache and the natural shocks the flesh is heir to, belong to the pattern of the image, are necessary to it, and help fulfill it. A calling may be postponed, avoided, intermittently missed. It may also possess you completely. Whatever; eventually it will out. It makes its claim. The daimon does not go away. Invisible destinies can be masked in visible failures.” James Hillman, The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling
“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires.” “The most important thing is to hold on, hold out, for your creative life, for your solitude, for your time to be and do, for your very life; hold on, for the promise from the wild nature is this: after winter, spring always comes.” “A woman must be able to stand in the face of power, because ultimately some part of that power will become hers.” Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype