September 10 2021
I am so contracted I can hardly breathe.
I have met the enemy on the battlefield. The enemy is fear.
I drew two cards: The inner and outer path to deal with fear: The World, and the Four of Wands. The World is associated with Saturn, and I see the long arc of something being finished in me at last. Both cards are of fruition and triumph. I feel wobbly and lost in contraction, such strange contradiction. But I do feel that I must win this battle at last.
I offered many drops of blood. To the Sigils of Naamah, Belial, Set, and Lucifer.
I invoked the Sitra Ahra.
I burned the papers with “Fear” written on them, sacrifices to my freedom.
I invoked Naamah. Gatekeeper of the Qliphoth. Surely this bonfire of fear has arisen at her bidding; one of the first crises in my transformation by the dark gods of the Qliphoth.
I invoked Belial, and he came right away, fierce and mighty Belial, this great God in my temple, in my body. He filled me with his presence and power.
BELIAL. WITHOUT A MASTER. I will no longer serve fear.
Help me to remember the circle… your lesson about the circle, my personal connection to power, the letters and words that become fire, and my separation from the blurry and distant world.
I am done with this fear. Show me how to be free of this fear.
His presence lessens when I speak to him. Don’t leave, come back.
I felt him, but not as intense as before I spoke.
He was a pressure in my chest, not just my heart chakra.
Eventually a kriya laid me forward, and I was bowing to him. A few minutes… and I thanked him.
I’ve gone to earth. I can’t really think.
I am trying to be easy on myself.
I am DETERMINED. I am very hopeful.
NEXT MORNING: I see that I am contracted inside as an emotional strategy. Complete control. I have stopped all that is automatic in my emotional field. I see what arises, and I name it: FEAR. I challenge it: NO MORE FEAR.
I have tried to keep my life as a child. Every moment of shunning adult contact and action in the wider world is a snuggly feeling of protection.
It is an ingrown place. I have curled around myself in this small place. I am weak. I cannot think.
I cannot remain a child and not be contorted, a neurotic creature of constant compensation.
Shame. That is what is under this place of contraction and contortion.
I see you. I name you.
Why does Belial come to me? Mighty king? A fierce demon ruler of hell?
I can only guess.
Because I am sincere. I am determined. I seek what is real. Real change.
I am doing the work. I am taking action. I keep going.
The type of change I am seeking is of a type that attracts him. Throwing off addictive and useless behaviors and fears.