September 26, 2021
Let’s get real.
I am rejecting my life before now. I cut the threads when I was working with Arachne.
I will trade everything about my world for magic. Is this wise?
I do know that there is nothing more important to me than the things I believe I will achieve with magic. This means I am dancing with the most real, most ponderous things in my psyche.
I am way out of my comfort zone, going for what I want, which I am not used to AT ALL.
I am facing a barrage of old feelings about my life, what went wrong, what I am stuck with, what I am terrified of.
I am terrified of messing up the thing that is most important to me. This is an old fear that I am getting hounded by night and day.
I feel like I need support, a mentor.
I reached out to Thorne, that didn’t go well.
E.A. seemed to reach out to me, but he is really busy. I don’t think I’m really even a blip on his radar.
Now I have reached out to ___________, and there is no response. My mind has all sorts of ideas about “what went wrong.”
Meanwhile, I am visited by the entities here and there, but rituals are really hit and miss. I feel rejected when I sit at my altar and call them to me, and I feel them very little, if at all. I feel rejected. Abandoned. Broken (it doesn’t work for me). Sad. Alone.
I feel that I have (once again) ruined what is important to me, the only things worth living for.
I am getting my ass kicked by old feelings.
When I was twelve and my father burned my childhood down, I thought I was going to live for forever. Death seems to be galaxies, universes distant. So ruining my life, means living with a ruined life for forever.
I am all balled up inside. I am feeling some of the deepest pain I have ever had.
I am afraid to try rituals. I have felt tickles, then was ignored at the altar. What is that?
Is Kundalini burning these things in me?
HERE are possible factors, theories about hitting the wall of old, awful feelings:
POSSIBLE REASONS I AM IN PAIN AND SHUT DOWN
- I am outside my comfort zone, dealing with the most central parts of me
- The emotional baggage attached to those old parts of me is excruciating to face
- Kundalini might be burning those places, which I haven’t faced before (please hurry up)
- My efforts to connect with other magicians seem to be going badly
- I am trying to control my magical ascent, and the entities won’t do that
- I am about to be initiated into the Dragon Current
- I just started work with Naamah on the Qliphoth, which brings up negative feelings, and which might mean that I am being tested
- I started Qliphoth work without knowledge of “Universe B Vampire,” and I am being sucked dry (we’ll see if this stops on the 29th)
- My rituals are about talking to the entities, rather than the scrying, sigil work, pathfinding that worked before
- I am not in trance (theta-gamma sync) when going into rituals
- I am not fully awake, in the now and in my body, generally and/or during rituals
- I was given much at first, so I could make it through the inevitable battle with old feelings and limitations