Know thyself. This is absolutely required in order to become a magical adept.
Why do I feel so shut down? Why am I in so much pain?
Know thyself.
I found out that the occult is real in May. I immediately realized that as someone who has been very sensitive to energy my whole life, combined with my many years of transformation by Shree Kundalini, I am uniquely prepared for immediate and extensive transformation in my magical ascent.
Finally I found something that applies to me, that will develop me. Not all the myriad of ways I tried from a long procession of “non-magical” things that are not relevant to me, that were not steps upon my own path of ascent.
I cannot understate the intensity, the raging hunger that I brought to the magical path of development and transformation.
Why do I feel so shut down? Why am I in so much pain?
I brought an agenda to my magical development.
The gods and entities have perhaps partially withdrawn because I must give up this agenda in order to truly ascend with their participation and support.
WHAT IS MY LIFELONG, LIMITING AGENDA?
Okay life. Lift me to a level where I am permanently and completely changed in a way that requires no real or continued effort on my part to keep this.
Effortless ascent. Complete transformation up front.
All of this even if I am not fully awake. Perhaps I even wish this while still having the option of being asleep, of functioning without full consciousness. This state is something I have noticed, but haven’t fully understood or worked with.
Surely I must be fully conscious to proceed with my ascent. This is not optional.
But I want this. I want effortless. This is my agenda in a one word.
EFFORTLESS
I will not struggle for what I want. I will not be content with occasional, spurious spiritual experiences that open me with profoundly transforming possession and bliss, just to have these feelings of bliss fade within minutes or hours.
“That is not real transformation.” “That is not having what I want.”
I must possess it.
FULLY OWNED
Mine. Cannot be taken away. Cannot fade away. Cannot be ruined by the limited parts of myself.
When did I dig in my heels and refuse to move? Waiting ever since. When?
It was when I was broken. When I lost everything, including my potential. When I was damaged. Empty. Disconnected from myself; from my life, my future.
WHAT IS MY LIFELONG, LIMITING AGENDA?
I am holding out for effortless possession of a constant peak experience. Is this my destiny? Probably. Am I going about finding this in a limited way? Absolutely.
I am trying to blackmail life. At least to strike a very certain bargain. There is a currency involved. It permeates my life. Giving up this in the hopes it will mean more of that. That which is real. The only present and future I will accept.
God. Fate. Momentum. Trajectory.
I am supremely interested in only these things. This is hard-wired into my approach to life. My goals. AND NOTHING LESS.
INTRODUCTORY COURSE
When I was completing the Introductory Course a couple of weeks ago, I began to shut down emotionally during the last couple of weeks, especially the last week. I became profoundly stuck, unable to open to the power of the entities. They seemed to withdraw, which caused me so much fear and pain.
E.A.’S LIVE CHAT
When I was in E. A.’s live chat last week, an hours long surge of energy greater than I ever remember feeling flowed through him (and his video portal) and directly into me. The whole time. He spoke to me near the end. I felt lifted up in my assessment of myself and my potential.
This experience was everything I’ve ever wanted. A full experience of life. Completely alive, with full emotions. Not partial. Not limited. Not taken away.
Then… nothing. Next to nothing. I felt empty. Frustrated. I became terrified, and shut down.
I am getting more frustrated every day.
Clearly I need to start thinking outside of the effing box.
HOW DO I CHANGE?
This journal entry is one of the most important of my life. But it is only the first half. How do I change? HOW DO I CHANGE?
DO SOMETHING
VAMPIRE ENERGY INITIATION
Yesterday, when I was sitting at my desk, I had another of the most intense experiences of my life. I believe that I was transformed into a “Universe B Vampire.” I had signed up for this work with Jeremiah. He described it as going from the electric exchange of expending my energy connecting with and trying to shape the chaos around me, to the magnetic energy of attracting and receiving the chaotic energy, which increases my power.
I felt Jeremiah’s energy yesterday, then the experience began. WOAH. I went grocery shopping. Still there, though not as intense. I thought he had transmitted the transformation promised for the 29th early for me, based on the email I sent him. I sent him a few short messages, but he has not responded. (This contributes to my frustration, self-pity, and anger… the intense “shutting down” and “stuckness” I feel).
I watched a video where he said that the transfer of this energy takes around three hours. So, it’s not likely he did it for me early(?) Or, time got stretched somehow(?)
If he did not do it, then another entity (Set?) must have given me this particular form of transformation. Perhaps this comes with the communication that I don’t need Jeremiah for it. Perhaps the glimpse I had of Jeremiah’s energy at the beginning of the experience was a communication about the type of transformation, not the source.
I will see what happens on the 29th. I may cancel next month. Especially if he does not respond to my messages.
Because Belial has helped me to change how I view the mundane world, perhaps this change to magnetic, “vampire” energy is the next step for me. I found it when I found Jeremiah. And now, perhaps Set is giving this to me.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Today I realized that I want a mentor. Someone who will work closely with me daily. Not just short messages. Not just exclusive videos.
I AM SPECIAL, AND THIS IS WHAT I AM MEANT TO HAVE. I MUST FIND THE FUNDS REQUIRED, BUT THE PRICE WILL BE REASONABLE, SOMETHING I CAN PAY. IT IS WORTH IT FOR THAT SOMEONE. IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO WORK WITH ME. BECAUSE I AM SPECIAL.
This is the answer. Know what I really want. Waiting for the right moment to get everything together in a certain way has limitation built right in. Fuck the currency of change. Sink the Titanic. I’m standing in the lifeboat. It’s time to sail away from this shipwreck of a life.
But… HOW???
THE ANSWER AT LAST
Go for what I really want. NOW. No more waiting. No more bargaining—a cover for cowardice.
REMEMBER ATHENA’S GIFT
I have experienced many times the full and blissful possession of the Temple gods. Lucifer, Lilith, Belial. Hecate, Seth, Arachne. They have taught me so much, already a precious legacy. And I have been given gifts.
The goddess Athena once invited me into her presence as the Athena Parthenos during a ritual. She told me to “Prepare for battle,” and bestowed upon me a gift of wings that grant me great power when I wear them.
I must remember the wings. Wearing them will help to get me through this crisis, the battle she warned me to prepare for.
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?
Until I know the answer to this, and step up and commit to that level of change, I am still hiding from life, and the pain will continue.
I WANT A MAGICAL MENTOR
TO BE CONTINUED…
NOTE: It all came true the next day!! See my next post. I received an initiation that has put me on an entirely different level of magic and existence. It’s what I’ve been looking for my whole life.
EFFORTLESS. FULLY OWNED.
Awake, alive, and filled with power! Boo ya!!
I asked Belial to make me very powerful a few days ago. It was a spontaneous request, in a moment where I saw my greater potential for the first time. So, what would I give in return? There is always an exchange, a sacrifice. It is generally understood that Belial doesn’t like addictions, as he sees them as a form of weakness. So, I offered to give up drinking two Cokes every morning. I got rid of my Coke, and my iced tea mix.
Thank you Belial♥♥♥. Thank you myself♥. Hell ya!
HAIL.
Twilight in the Underworld 
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