From my conversation today with a fellow Occultist on Discord

I have had some time to digest your excellent reply about your path. Yet another person I meet who was called to the path quite young. I always feel jealousy. For whatever reason, I hungered so deeply for the magic I found in books like the Wizard of Oz when I was a girl, and the Lord of the Rings when I was a teen, but my life was almost completely devoid of magic. A wasteland.

Christmas was the exception. The stillness of snowy silence, red sunset on the white landscape. The sparkle of silver and gold, the twinkle of jewel tone lights. My father loved Christmas and made it special for us. Then came the depression of January. Magic was gone again.

I took refuge in the freedoms of childhood for as long as I could. I was exceptionally athletic and could ride my bike along a narrow board at high speed, jumped off one story houses to entertain the neighbor kids. I could climb over a six foot fence in two seconds.

At school I was completely ostracized until sixth grade. I was different. I moved and talked different. I was distant, in my own world. It was like I walked around with a huge target on my back. When I sat down at a lunch table, the others groaned and moved to another table. I was regularly beat up. No adults noticed or cared, either at home or school. I began to hide during lunch in an empty closet I found, to get away. I pretended in the dark that I had my own kitchen, and created invisible treats.

It is only in the last couple of weeks that I have finally realized something so very very profound, W_____. I am meant to live in the subtle world of darkness, interacting with “invisible” treats. I am not meant to connect with others. So, in a way, I was called to the LHP before I even started elementary school, but I didn’t find out what that meant until May of this year, at age 63.

I am called to ascent. I am called to complete self-reliance, self-ascendancy. I am called to antinomianism, complete self-definition.

I am cutting off most human interaction. I just found out who I am. Everything before now was waiting to find this out.

Knowing who I am is AMAZING.

I will no longer waste energy slumming with people and situations that used to fill my time.

I will be only with people with whom I can be who I am.


Why the hell did the stork drop me in a Mormon family? Some of the positive aspects of Mormonism—the deep personal faith, the practical application of that faith, the hardiness required to pursue a unique vision—have served me well… because I escaped.

Twilight in the Underworld

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