I SEE IT.
How to describe the nerd in myself? The one that is in charge of “doing?”
“How to get there? This looks cool… so, now… how to make this work? Can I use this to finally get to ________?”
“My life got fucked up. This might be how to fix it! But…. how to make it work?”
“Am I doing this right? Serious enough? Often enough? Focused enough?”
Constant searching.
This is my agenda. It is the only way I do anything. Everything. All the time. Constant searching.
You’ve gotta respect that level of determination. I am nothing if not TOTALLY FUCKING DETERMINED.
I’ve tried a lot of different things in my life. Why? What am I trying to accomplish? And… well….. If I’m doing this all the time… so completely totally all the time that I don’t even see it… THAT MAKES ME A NERD.
WAY TOO SERIOUS.
I am in every moment ready…. with any mapped or unmapped real estate in my entire consciousness and being.
I am basically shopping myself around.
I am ready to trade any and all of myself for ___________________. And there hasn’t been a part of me greater than this… since before it started…. until now.
I’m looking at it. I did know this about myself, but…
I am starting to really see it.
There really is no moment when I am not trying to find that something which is missing inside of me.
Aren’t we all? No. This is something more than an existential longing. This is the (boring, interesting, whatever) central plot development of my life. Until now. Until magic.
THIS is why I feel stuck in my growth as a magician. I can’t leave this spot, I cannot progress until I see and deal with THIS.
Stop searching.
I can’t be trading parts of myself away. I have to know myself. I must be whole. There can be no bartering of who I am.
I must attain and maintain a posture of wholeness.
Stop searching.
When I crave a snowy retreat, an isolation…
I am craving that moment of wholeness.
Stop searching.
Stop searching.
Twilight in the Underworld 
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