“Expectation is a prison.” ~Robert Fripp
It’s simple really. The choice.
Trade away my purpose for a tantalizing transformation into something I am not, or find my purpose, the specific transformation I am born to.
I have experienced my life and who I am as a burden. Half-formed, devoid of that one thing that would change everything, wandering about in search of the feeling I crave deeply, the feeling of wholeness. The filling of a certain hole, in myself.
I crave a release. A satisfaction of an aching need. I keep trying trade away all that I am for wholeness. Any wholeness. Any.
This isn’t how it works.
I cannot leave who I am behind. Nor should I want to.
I am going in circles.
I have been blogging about this for weeks. (Looking at it every which way for years, decades).
I think it has finally jelled for me.
I am trying to teach all of me this truth. Listen up. The idea is not to trade away this half-formed, tormented self for wholeness. Not feeling whole is not the problem. It isn’t something that has gone wrong. It is not a flaw in who I am.
Finding and achieving what I must do to become whole is the real “problem,” the opportunity. Manifesting who I am meant to be is the solution.
I cannot get away from my self. When I try to trade who I am away, I deplete myself. I become even more fragmented. I end up with less of what I need to feel whole.
This is not the way.
The task I keep bungling? How to achieve wholeness.
Expanding my comfort zone is the task at hand. Not replacing myself with someone who isn’t stuck.
Magic is just the latest technology I have turned on myself, the most powerful transformative force that I have used to try to become someone, something else. So sad.
At least I know that magic is real, that it isn’t going away like all the other illusions of freedom I have bartered with. But magic isn’t working, and will not work for me… until I use it to evolve and ascend.
This is it.
Can I just get this once and for all?
I am not the problem. Replacing myself with another is not the solution. And yet… Again and again I keep bungling the technology of wholeness. I keep trying to replace myself with a someone who I want to be, someone who is not me, who is not stilted and deformed, who is not stuck in a very small comfort zone. Someone who is free of my experience as the half-formed, tormented, lost and useless self that I have lived with all my life.
There must have been a moment where I fully, irreversibly rejected myself, identifying who I am as the problem.
I IDENTIFIED WHO I AM AS THE PROBLEM.
This is wrong.
"There now... You see how wrong people can be?" ~Bert, Mary Poppins
Let’s do this. I choose to do this. I choose to find wholeness in myself, in who I am. I will now find and face the very specific form of wholeness that I have been born to achieve. My potential, my purpose.
Who I am contains the potential of a very certain wholeness. There is only one way forward, and it is the only way.
It is time to stop all this foolishness and find my way.
[ Immediately as I type that line, I flash to moments when gathering a special ritual soil, and hear this call in myself. This is the way. This is the portal. This is where to begin. ]
A series of metaphors:
My way. My path. The specific path. Look for the breadcrumbs. Get going.
Leave this tiny, feathered nest I have outgrown, that I constructed up in these extremely familiar trees. Peer over the edge. Leap. Leave this nest. Fledge and fly.
Blow through this tiny comfort zone, these imaginary boundaries, these mythical bonds. Combustible nonsense. Leave behind a smoking ruin.
This is a trap. A trap with an open door.
ALL I HAVE TO DO TO FREE MYSELF IS TO STEP OUT, STAND UP, AND GET GOING.
Find who I am. Find out what must be, what I must become, how I must evolve… and choose to transform, to become a very certain wholeness.