I dreamed I was at a Christian worship service. The service had just ended, and people were milling around. There was about 50 people.
Then I saw a man stand up, he was on the stand, and he pulled out a big silver handgun, it was huge, like a .45.
No one else had seen him yet, but I was moving very quickly to the nearby exit as he started shooting people. I went through a door that went outside into an alley. I felt grateful that I had escaped.
But then the door opened behind me, and I turned to see the shooter moving towards me at a casual pace.
I was terrified, and begged him not to shoot me. He lifted the weapon and shot me at least once. I didn’t feel anything, no pain.
Then I was back inside, and walked up to people I knew. The shooter was gone, and everyone was coming to terms with what had just happened.
Then I suddenly felt weak, and fell to the floor. “Help me,” I pleaded. I was weak, and pictured myself bleeding out inside. “Help me, I’m dying. Help me. Help me, I’m dying.”
That was the end.
Myriad parts of myself are still wandering around in a state of Christian mind control. Wandering about in a chaotic pattern.
One part of me stood up. She has a powerful weapon(s), and is focused on the task of ending these parts of me, parts which increase the amount of chaos in my life.
I think I have escaped. I am relieved. Then this part of me appears, and she is coming right for me.
I finally realize that who I am is about to die. I am mortally wounded, helpless. I join with some familiar parts of myself, and beg them to help and save me, over and over as I am dying.
I am being freed from the part of me that makes decisions, a part of me that thinks it is all that I am, that thinks I am mortal, and can be destroyed. She carries my very particular, lifelong agenda. To be enlivened again after I was destroyed and rearranged by my father’s violence. An agenda which was to be addressed by magic, but actually undermines that and all that I have tried in order to save myself from the emptiness.
On the evening of my dream (January 5th), I had had a profound realization. Trying to create a certain magic is the other side of the emptiness coin. They go together. Not having a life. The specific technology of trying to fill myself with a life.
I have decided to let this agenda go. It has informed everything I hold dear in this life, for my entire life until now. A stunning realization, followed immediately by decision, now clears a huge space in who I am.
My entire life will be measured as the time before and after this decision, just as it was divided by the epic moment of soul destruction at the hands of my father’s rage when I was a girl.
What will I now become…? I have become the very beginning of becoming something new, over and over, my birthright as I seek ascent and transformation with magic.
I have been set free. And it turns out this huge and empty space of potential is that which will bring magic to my life. It has to be this way. Without this change, I cannot evolve. I would be chained to the past.
I have been set free.
No more waiting. No more seeking. No more living for the future. I am set free.