I dreamed that I was sitting on a couch opposite B______-X. It felt so good to be chatting with him, to be treated as an equal. I felt myself lifted up, my self-worth soaring. My body was singing with the pleasure of doing something that I love. Being close to someone I greatly admire.
At one point, he changed the subject to something very personal, a sign of “hidden” sexual interest. “You’re right,” I exclaimed, finding that he was right.
It was exciting that the conversation had become sexual and so much more personal. I anticipated being sexual together, and enjoyed the moments I felt would lead up to this.
Then we were in a place with other people, his family and friends, a social circle that was beyond anything I aspired to. Any sexual union was put off, though I still had hope. The people were getting ready to go somewhere. I thought that B______-X still assumed I was a part of the group, though he was not focusing on me. I stood there, feeling awkward, not really a part of what was going on.
Eventually the people were leaving, and did not include me. I was left behind.
I have achieved an intimacy with the part of me that knows who I am, and is connected to that which excites me, a hidden expression of this connection.
I get distracted by various parts of me that are not concerned with my evolution. Eventually these parts of me wander off, and I am alone with my untapped potential, left without the inner alignment necessary to move forward.
It has become increasingly difficult for me to blog about my process. I have blogged about my need for a full understanding of where I am in my evolution, and what to focus on to finally move on from a stuck place. This understanding has seemed to blossom when I focus upon various levels and parts of myself. But real change does not happen, and my next post is about the next insight in a series of insights that do not lead to real understanding and change.
Truth be told. It is embarrassing.
Meanwhile, I cannot do magic. If I speak the words of ritual, my soul seems to hide, the very air of my words deadened, muffled.
When I was watching videos by B________-X last night, I saw more clearly a place in myself that is like a wall. A wall that I keep trying to get around by focusing on everything except that stuck place.
It is a place of fear, of tangled feelings that cannot be teased apart by logic. I do not understand what it is.
There is a place in myself that holds me hostage, and I don’t know what it is.
All I know is when I focus upon this blockage, I feel a lack of consciousness that is stretched tight around that place, surrounded by an invisible force like that of a repelling magnet. The level of discomfort from focusing on it fills me with yucky feelings, feelings that seem to be stored away where they will not overcome me.
Is it a place where something has been walled off? Are yucky feelings stored away in a hold of that which cannot be faced? It is many years later. I have the (adult) resources now to open this place.
It seems clear that this is the place to make a change. I imagined for a moment how life-changing it would be to open that place, absorb the energies there, feel this tight and deep knot coming loose, its contents assimilated, the leftovers dissolving all around me.
Surely this is the most important thing I can do in my life, that I can do right now to accomplish what I want.
Focus on the tight place with the yucky feelings. The last place I want to mess with, but the most essential place to be faced.
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