Last night. Again I dropped immediately into a very deep meditation. I felt Azazel’s presence, the bliss of possession enclosing and filling my being.
“Help me,” I said. “Help me to know… how to get beyond this mental cycle of crippling doubt and foolish abandon? Back and forth. It all came into focus. I could see the problem clearly for the first time. The so familiar cycle between thinking I am doing something wrong that needs to be fixed, and the “freedom” of action with no thought about the consequences of my choices.
I recalled all of the blog posts I have written about this struggle. I just haven’t been able to get beyond it.
As I sat in deep meditation, a visual pathworking happened spontaneously.
I was walking in a forest. It was beautiful, the air so refreshing. There was someone walking in front of me, with his back to me.
We approached a cave mostly hidden from view. I followed Azazel into the cave. We walked deeper into the quiet stillness. Deeper and deeper.
He stopped, still with his back to me. He was pointing to the ground with his right hand.
I lay down on the black, moist sand. I sank into it, dissolving somewhat.
Alchemy, I thought. Magical transformation.
I lost my body awareness. I saw my body within myself, at the heart of my radiating consciousness.
This is not me, I thought, gazing at my body.
This is not me, I thought, gazing at my construct of the world, and my actions in it.
I recognized the answer to my fervent request. I heard the words in my mind. “This is not me.” As I contemplated the complexities and struggles of my life, I saw them as almost irrelevant. “This is not me.”
The culmination. The moment. The thunderclap of finally slipping over the line of demarcation, the new territory where the majority of me is no longer identified with the world, and my “small” self. The new reality of identifying as something much greater than before, trading the limited for the infinite.
The answer was clear. The answer is clear. Stop focusing on the struggle, and identifying as the actor within that struggle. That is not me.
THAT IS NOT ME.
I felt myself inherently free, powerful in my possession of all potential, irrevocably endowed with and anchored to the constant of my ascent. I identified as this greater being, the sum of my consciousness.
I realized then that Azazel had turned to face me. It was the first time I saw him (beyond his feet). Tall and muscular. A regal face, very serious, absolutely purposeful in regards to my transformation, his fierceness restrained by his kindness towards me.
I slipped back into my body, in my little temple, my bedroom. I remained enveloped by, submerged in the velvet inner darkness of deep meditation for a little longer. It felt so very pleasing in an elemental way. Like the day before, I did not want it to stop.
Eventually the right moment came. I opened my eyes slightly. I looked around very slowly. The deep meditative state lasted minutes after I opened my eyes.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I received a great gift, the answer to one of the main challenges of my life, the next step in my ascent.
I saw the entire problem. I asked the entire question. I embodied the entire answer.
Neti neti. So’ham. Not this, not this… I am that.