Alone

I was half-awake, half-asleep. Lying in bed.

I felt subtle energy shifts in my body, ones I had never experienced before.

And part of me was being transformed. I felt myself being energetically rearranged. In various ways, over several minutes of a gentle inner focus.

When I got up, and was having my coffee, I felt a sudden tenseness of anxiety.

“What is it?” I asked myself. “I’m not going to abandon you,” I found myself saying.

Having decided not to engage with the part of me that is obsessive…. I realized I was scaring an old part of myself.

I found her, deep in the deepest past, terrified. The girl I was, who felt myself sinking into an inescapable morass, sucked down and away from other people, forever.

For the first time, I saw that what I was really afraid of was of being alone.

Now, I’m not talking about being alone.

Losing my mind because of being alone.

Being alone because I was losing my mind. Spinning off into the hell of going insane, crazy.

What if I drifted away from all other people in the world, and I really was completely and permanently bereft of any attachment whatsoever to the world around me?

I had that fear, and it was TERRIFYING.

How would I ever create a life for myself as an adult? Surely I will fall off the edge of the children’s world, and sink in the monster hell that surrounds the adult world? A world I had no preparation for, no bridge to, no help from adults in achieving. None.

My future seemed worse than bleak.

I was weird. My classmates all rejected and bullied me, year after year. My teachers either ignored or rejected me. The librarian rejected me.

The librarian.

If the librarian at your elementary school yells at you IN THE LIBRARY because she thinks your harmless, little girl question is stupid, this is very very VERY troubling.

How is it that I never recognized that my deepest fear was of being alone?

“I am here,” I said to myself over and over. “I am not going to reject you. I will not abandon you. You will never be alone.”

And this part of me transformed. I felt myself being energetically rearranged. In various ways, over several minutes of a gentle inner focus.

I am being transformed by the power of Azazel and Set, my partners in all ascent.

Azazel by Vulpes-Ibculta on DeviantArt

Twilight in the Underworld

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