Last night. I felt the place of trance opening as I lit the candles, waved the incense, offered drops of my blood to the sigils of Azazel and Belial. I smeared my blood on a slip of paper and burned it in my brazier, offering my life’s essence to Death.
I said some magical phrases. I asked Belial to come to my temple. He did not come.
I put out all of the candles except for one. I extinguished the last candle and sat in the darkness, waiting.
As I slipped down into trance, I kept “tasting” the astral realm around me, looking for Belial’s energy and presence. Nothing but deepening trance. He does not come until I am in trance. And yet…
Inspired, I offered my doubt. I renounce doubt, I offer it to the fire. I imagined myself free of doubt, powerful, so powerful.
I had a vision. I felt myself at the bottom of a dug grave. Laying there, being absorbed into the surrounding soil, covered with soil, the roots of trees and the microorganisms taking me in, breaking me down.
I am dying again, I thought with joy, thinking of my recent experience of death (and rebirth) in another ritual.
It felt ecstatic. I didn’t want it to stop.
My meditation had deepened, eventually as deep as I’ve ever gone, mostly steady, moving back down when I came up a little.
Then the energy started. Like last time, I felt a concave area around my heart, a heaviness in my whole ribcage.
Then I felt a surge of energy through my entire sushumna channel. The kind of energy that feels heavy and expansive, opening my energetic channels with its steady surge.
It had a peculiar effect on my sinuses. They opened, pressured, clearing energetic blockages there. It also affected my eyes, the orbits in my skull. This feeling did not go away.
The meditation went on for 45 minutes to an hour, the longest in awhile.
At one point my eyes fluttered open, and I saw the world around me as separate from who and where I am, a phenomenon of consciousness.
I had a vision…. the rest of the vision: All of me gone except for my skeleton, which was completely clean and smooth, as though forged from white titanium steel, so satvic and smooth.
Not reborn. Perfect potential.
When I came out of meditation, I felt very sleepy. I snuggled into bed, still feeling the column of energy pushing through me.
I thought of E____’s email about the shift. Inspired, I jumped up and sent him a quick email:
“The shift….. the shift…… HOLY SHIT……. THE SHIFT!” (His answer in my email this morning: “LOL HOLY SHIFT!!! The cracks in the veneer are getting bigger and more obvious every day!”)
I snuggled back into the covers and felt the pressured energy again. I went to sleep, though it was only 12-1am, early for this night owl.
It occurs to me now that Belial never “came to me,” I never felt his presence. He gave me transformation as a column of energy, but it was not “delivered personally.”
He teaches me to focus on the transformative process, not my personal relationship with him.