Not everything worth writing (blogging) about is glamorous. Fun. Exciting.
Some of it is shit.
I have an arrangement with myself that is OLD and IN THE WAY.
I only do things when I feel like it. This gives me a tiny glimmer of freedom. A way of staying out of the real world, which is uncomfortable for this lifelong child of the world away from others.
I’m a dreamer.
I’m also fantastically lazy.
These habits about how I structure my moments and my day HAVE GOT TO CHANGE.
I can see that tip-toeing through this crap isn’t making much progress.
I’ve got to hit these old habits head-on.
Choosing to do the things I really want to do… When I don’t feel like it, when it’s scary (what if the things I love evaporate again?), when it takes momentum I don’t feel, when I’m just not in the mood to do ANYTHING except slum on YouTube… is something I’m going to have to push through.
Because spending my whole evening watching TV, without writing or making music, without doing magic, SUCKS.
I never exercise. NEVER. And I need to. My body mimics my wider habits. I live with pain in my lower back, knees, and ankles that makes it hard to stand or walk for more than a minute or so. If I strengthen my body, I could break out of this low mobility trap.
I NEED TO BREAK OUT.
I have a completed novel I can make a few changes to and most likely sell. People who publish have told me to publish it. And it languishes there, for years.
I don’t touch my guitars.
I manage to blog, and that’s a big pat on the back. But I’m not starting any new stories, or working on the unfinished one that has languished for several months.
If I push through these habits, I have to deal with the part of me that SCREAMS… no no no don’t make me do something I don’t want to do. How old is that part of myself? Eight?? And what does she want to do? Nothing. Spend hours on emails, bookkeeping, and social media. Hours more on TV. It takes up at least half of my day.
MAKE THE CHANGE.
What do the words “Solve Coagula” mean on the image of Baphomet? “Solve et Coagula,” is an alchemical Latin phrase that translates as “dissolve and coagulate” or “break down and reform.”