Committing to theistic Satanism

—Estella Canziani ‘Satan Awakening His Legions’ (1913)—

Christian tourists are not welcome here. Go get titillated somewhere else. Please leave and take your false god with you. Thank you.

I am making a momentous decision, to join the coven of theistic Satanists that I have been working with. To decide to whether I desire to dedicate the rest of my life, and perhaps forever, to serving and worshiping Lord Satan.

I shared a recent insight I had today in the study group. I have realized that I want to belong to someone. This is the yearning I find in my heart. I cannot belong to Azazel. I cannot belong to Belial. But I can belong to Lord Satan. He has embraced me. He has taken me into his arms. I want to fall into him, but he is already so close. I feel his arms around me, welcoming me to a new life.

I feel an excitement and energy that is completely new for me. I thought that my path would be exploring different entities. That I would be spontaneous about my path. That my path would develop in different directions. Now I feel an opportunity that thrills me, that my heart responds to deeply. To find myself committed to one entity above all others. To belong to him.

I have had to push through some major Christian mind control over the past few weeks. And now I am considering a huge commitment. Every step I am taking now feels like the thing I have wanted all of my life.

I feel Satan so close. He has come into my life, and has gathered me to him. I feel the call. I have been called to a new life and master.

The group I am studying with has a very long tradition, the years of Satanism in its many forms. It is connected to the Satanic Current back through the many hundreds of years. Golden Dawn, Aleister Crowley, Temple of Set/Michael Aquino, several other traditions from various places in Europe. An ancient tradition. Perhaps this means that members of the Order I am considering have come from these many traditions. Old traditions that are cherished and followed. Past lives that are continued in this one. Forms of development and worship that have existed for a very long time, in so many places, in the hearts and actions of so many people.

To join with the heirs and participants in this long tradition, and ancient principles, feels like a dream come true.

It is a big commitment. My heart is saying yes, with every fiber of my being. I want to jump in, to be very involved in something that will fill my life. The coven meets twice per month (Zoom meetings). I want it to be more, I wish it could be in person. But magic is also a call to a solitary life, work, and transformation. I will have enough. It will be enough. And I can offer my service, a desire I feel blooming inside of me.

I continue to pursue the possibility that a coven will start in Las Vegas. One that holds all entities to be more or less equals. I hope that this also happens. I will always work with other entities in addition to Satan. The Order I am considering considers Satan to be supreme, and that all other entities are under him.

This is intellectually somewhat alarming. A revolution in myself and my entire life to reorder things in this way. But I feel it happening to me.

Working with Satan has felt quite different than my work with Azazel, Belial, Set, and the other several entities I have worked with. I thought of myself as fully committed to magic and ascent, but now I see that I was not, that it has not been in my nature to be fully committed. Considering full commitment gives me pause. I do find that I am committed to the process of making this decision.

It isn’t good for me to fling myself into this commitment, though my heart says “Yes!” “Grab on!” “Jump NOW with both feet!” There is a process to making this commitment. It is a change in my heart and soul. I want to honor that process.

I also notice that when I fling myself in when sharing in the study group, I feel a little numb after. Like I overstepped where I am and need to be, and I’m pulling back, feeling wobbly and uncertain. Keeping the middle course, and letting it unfold, is better. Also, I am growing into something new, and it’s unsettling. I seem to have a defense against fully expressing myself. A part of me wants to hold back. I am afraid I am losing myself in the excitement.

I want this to all be about finding myself. I will step forward, rather than flinging myself forward.

The people who “run” the coven are very disciplined, and very service oriented. They maintain a very spiritual and ego free approach. They are coming from a very high place. This is very attractive to me. I have no doubt that what they are doing and who they are is real. Their devotion and service to Lord Satan is real.

Satan’s presence and love for me is real. He welcomes me as the one he gathers to him. He invites me to a deep intimacy with him. He knows me, and has made himself known to me.

I have realized that being a Satanist means seeing that the spiritual conception of the world has been turned on its head. The Abrahamic religions ask for blind, unquestioning obedience to the demi-urge. But the true God enlightens, he offers true knowledge. This is the true spirituality, to be free from the machinations of the false religion that causes people to fear themselves, to fear horrible retribution from the God they claim to have received into their heart. They do not follow Christ in their actions, which causes them to fear and to hate. For me, to reclaim lust and abandon, the infernal and the suppressed darkness, is to free myself from this trap, this mind control.

To join a group is what I most want, and also what I am afraid of. I need to feel freed by it, not consumed by it, by a path. My reaction to the stifling of the truth growing up Mormon has been to question everything, to not commit to any one form of belief. To keep myself from “joining” anything.

This hanging back has been much of the source of my lack of full commitment to magic, and my ascent.

I want this lifetime to count. I don’t want to be half in and half out. And commitment to this Order feels like the way to do that.

This path feels so different from what my ascent has meant to me since I found the Occult a little over a year ago. It is not what I expected my path and my development to look like. I have struggled with sitting on my laurels every time I have felt myself transformed by magic. I fall back and wait awhile. I have done this again and again.

It is good to consolidate gains. But this is about more than that.

I have identified the fears that contribute to this old pattern. I am afraid magic will stop working for me. I am afraid I will ruin it. I am afraid of letting something reorder my life. I have felt that I keep myself awake by stepping back after each experience. I do not trust myself not to get lost again, the way I did when I was a Mormon, when I was a part of a religion that sees everything a certain way, and has pat answers for everything.

I haven’t trusted myself to stay awake if I fully commit to something. So I have always instinctively avoided it.

I feel overwhelmed easily. I have felt that I need to step back after each moment of transformation so I remember who I was before it, and find myself again by returning to the familiar, old place. Horrible things happened to me as a child. The things I loved and needed fell apart based on something I did. As a teen, I hated myself. I blamed myself for the emptiness inside of me, for not being able to connect to and respond to life.

I had survived the childhood horrors by scanning the horizon for anything that might destroy me. I carefully trained myself to remain alert, to not forget how bad life and life’s situations can suddenly become.

I can address these concerns without these old defenses. I want to build a life, and stay awake. To no longer feel I must choose one over the other. I want this all to be transformed into having what I want. To continue with what I love. To allow the flow to build, and move me along. To create momentum in my spiritual development, and my ascent. To incorporate my growth without having to stop the process.

I feel that I am going to commit to this new life. I am taking each step. This is thrilling, so exciting. I am not going to jump ahead. I am going to follow through with each step.

Estella Canziani ‘Satan Awakening His Legions’ (1913)

Twilight in the Underworld

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