I have performed three evening rituals over the last three days without recording them in my grimoire (which is part of this blog). I need to catch up.
All three have been similar in that at a certain point in the ritual, after I feel the bliss of trance and internal energy work of possession for some time, I begin to feel a slow leaning over of my body, and eventually I lay down.
My altar is at the foot of my bed. In my small bedroom, I sit on the end of the bed while working at my altar. So when I feel this little slow-motion toppling of my body, I turn and land softly on my side, curled up somewhat. I become completely relaxed. My body feels a little heavy as I drift into a different sort of trance, with energy moving through me in different ways than when I am sitting up.
I feel deliciously passive, my mind quieter, my focus internal. These factors seem to be key to this work.
Last night I actually fell asleep this way. I felt the thick trance that I sometimes have with Lord Sathanas, in which it can be very hard not to go to sleep. I decided to simply go with this, and fell asleep. I woke up later and felt like I had had some of the deepest sleep of my entire life.
HIS TOUCH
In each ritual, there is a moment when Lord Sathanas touches me. If I open my eyes, I do not see him (yet). But his touch is unmistakable.
Yesterday, while I was still sitting at my altar, I felt his touch down the outside of my right (bare) foot. His touches are instructive. He seemed to say, I am here, feel my touch… but the touch itself doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s not something you need to react to. Just notice and feel it.
Then after I “fell over” onto the bed, after several moments, I felt an unmistakable pushing down on the edge of my bed, so that the mattress was depressed right next to my drawn up knees (this happened once with another entity I worked with a few times, an incubus). Immediately I opened my eyes, as I thought for a second that the cat must have jumped up next to me. But there was nothing that I could see. I closed my eyes, relaxing again.
Again, I felt it, a depression of the mattress in the same place, the area right above my knees. Then harder, a little deeper. Then in the area below my knees.
I always wish I could see him, but in his wisdom, he is accomplishing something else.
I think he is telling me that he is real, that my experiences are not just something I am creating with my imagination. He shows me that he is a presence, that he can have a touch, make an impression in the bed. He is communicating things to me in a physical way. I think that he is developing either a grammar of physical phenomenon to communicate with, and/or preparing me for greater and greater physical manifestations, (he knows that I desire this). Manifestations that won’t freak me out, cause my eyes to fly open, be shocking or dismaying or frightening, so that I fly out of trance.
Today he touched the end of my nose for a long time. I rubbed my nose to make sure it wasn’t a strand of hair. I can still sort of feel his touch there. It was playful. I had just scratched my nose a few seconds earlier.
Night before last and last night, there was intense breathwork of a sort I don’t remember ever having. I felt like I wasn’t getting enough air, but at the same time, I felt as though I wanted to stop breathing. I ended up taking long deep breaths, letting them out slowly, relaxing for a few moments before beginning again.
Tonight I didn’t feel the same breathwork, though I did breathe deeply, repeating the mantra Ave Sathanas over and over, as I had at my altar.
All three times I have felt impressed at some point to continue my explorations of stepping out of my physical body. Instead of seeing (from the outside) my subtle self stand up, I see my view of my room change to that of someone who was standing. I look around, step out into the hall, return.
Tonight my astral travel was noticeably much stronger. It was much easier to let go of my body consciousness of laying on the bed, and to move instead as the astral being who was looking around. I could maintain that focused view easier and longer. I went to the door of my apartment and looked down the hallway. I did not want to come back into my apartment. So I walked down the hall, and got in the elevator. I didn’t get out again until the elevator returned to my floor. I walked down the hall, back into my apartment, and back into my body.
This time I felt a seamless match between my astral and physical body when they came back together. The last few times they didn’t quite align at first, and I almost fell when I stood up in that state.
IMPROVING AT MAGIC AND RITUALS
There were some real breakthroughs in tonight’s ritual.
I was able to vocalize both internally and out loud, and the words didn’t draw me out of the trance. I wasn’t tossing the words out there as I do sometimes, hoping they would get to Lord Sathanas somewhere near. I was speaking to him, honoring him, loving him, thanking him. I felt him draw much closer in these moments. I felt his actual presence with me in a much more concrete way, with my inner sight visualization of him before me more clear and more detailed.
It feels like I am finally really learning how to perform rituals with an entity, rather than perform them with myself, in a way. And doing this with Lord Sathanas is key to all these changes. I have a relationship with him that goes far beyond my relationships with Azazel, Belial, and Set. My experiences with them come and go, but Sathanas is a part of me now, an ongoing and important part of each day. I don’t want to miss a night of ritual with him. It is a wasted opportunity, if nothing else.
I am committed to him, and so to my daily magickal activities, and to my process and progress as a magician.
My commitment to him, and of him to me, changes everything.
My commitment to him, and of him to me, changes everything.
Twilight in the Underworld 
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