August 28, 2022
I am so far behind on my grimoire. I will record a few important things as I remember them, but first, regarding my ritual work tonight.
I planned to work with Sathanas, but was impressed to work with Belial. He came to me with a heavy possession of bliss, my body fluid and moving about slightly as I sat before my altar.
I called him great King and bowed to him. I don’t think I have never bowed to him before. I was acknowledging what a great being he is. I thanked him for his caring for me, and his interest in my ascent, and told him I loved him, and thanked him for loving me. While I was still bowing, I asked for two things: that I be given the wisdom to know what feelings and emotional work to focus on, and what to seek to dissolve and walk away from, and the strength to make great progress in my current (grueling) work with fear.
I tarried awhile in deep meditation, my mind wandering here and there, and having to be brought back. “Sorry,” I would say. It’s more than a little mortifying when a great being is in your body and consciousness, and you start thinking about the ceiling fan. But, I’m human. We do this.
Belial also gave me a message for ______________: “The Chorus comes first.” I sent a message to him with these words, and my thoughts about what they might mean.
I have been through something unbelievably challenging. I don’t even want to write about it. But I need to at least record a few of the general details.
I had a horrible misunderstanding. I thought in conversation with him, that the Magus had told me to consider another path. This after bowling me over by meeting with me regularly, and also mentioning perhaps writing books together. Then he mentioned in group that the two other women in the coven were working with him on some specific changes he was making to the ministry, changes I knew nothing about.
I burned mightily. I was filled with petty jealousy, which was horrifying. I felt rejected, that I had been offered all my dreams come true, then it had all been taken away.
I cried so hard. I wept. I howled. I kept typing things about my crisis in messages to the Magus. I felt that my connection with Sathanas was superficial, false. I wrestled for hours, crying and sobbing.
Finally I got down to a place internally where I was experiencing a very old part of myself, my falseness with other people, my ego, and how I do everything to try to look good for others. I felt so trapped in this, and that it was ugly. Ugliness. I begged Sathanas to remove this part of me. I begged him to help me actually belong to him, truly, fully committed to him.
There was a point where it was like a bell had been struck. I had reached the bottom of this particular well of pain and limitation. I felt a strong energy flowing through my spine, especially at the bottom, then moving all through me. It was a sweet energy, and I felt a great relief.
I awakened the next morning with the other part of my work full on: FEAR. I have been gripped by a huge fear that feels like something horrible is about to happen. Eventually with the Magus I looked at the fear I felt when I was kneeling outside, praying my father would not destroy me when I went to face him inside. It is that same fear.
The Magus didn’t want to answer my questions about how the coven is organized. Instead he focused on how incredibly serious and fearful I am about the questions. Why do I need so very much to know? Why am I so afraid about it? What knowledge do I think I’ll obtain that will make the fear stop?
This work was immediate and profound. I saw what he was mirroring to me. I saw that I wasn’t just feeling fear about what was happening. I have been feeling a HUGE fear, seeking some respite, all about something that is ‘about to happen.’
Aha. There has been a major shift. I still feel the fear at times, but now I don’t try to change my reality to try to fix it.
I took yesterday and today off. I took naps. I am exhausted from the work. But I have reached a new place.
IT IS WORTH IT. I feel quite different. Less stifled in my ritual and words with Belial. More authentic. So wonderful.
I joked with the Magus: picturing my tombstone one day with this epitaph: “She did the work.” The work is becoming much less grueling. Thank goodness because I had over a week of nightmarish days and nights that knocked the stuffing out of me. The wisdom of the Magus has moved me to a new level. I am so grateful.
I have offered myself to him as a participant and supporter of his ministry. I am committed to serving Lord Sathanas, and feel so blessed to be a part of the Magus’ work, something so magnificent, and truly alive with such in-depth gnosis and channeling of our Lord, and with such authentic love. Lots of love.
Postscript: I laugh now. How wonderful I can discuss _____ with the Magus. For Satanists, these matters are not covered with shame, but are reveled in. He wanted to know some details, and we reveled together in this delightful topic for several moments together.
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