22 August, after our online meeting
Seeing myself through the Magus’ eyes…
I see that I have an agenda, which is by nature limiting. It is the same, familiar one. The fix. The thing that will make me feel alive, connected to the thrilling process of life.
This is based on feeling empty, disconnected, broken. These feelings cannot be replaced or fixed.
This is not the basis of a life of transmutation. It will not stand. I must discard this now, and find what direction rises from within me, what the true call is. Will it be to initiation in the coven?
This has yet to be determined. I MUST be willing for the answer to be no, in order to find out if the answer is yes.
23 August
I am dropping so much. I keep going so much deeper into myself, integrating myself. There are several deep layers I am working through. Who am I? What decisions did I make? Which ones do I now unmake? Make again? These things are coming into a new focus.
This I know: My father broke my heart. I have been a broken-hearted person. That can truly heal as I accept it as true. There are still some deep layers of grief to allow. I am feeling and emerging from pain.
I am on the cusp, finishing all from before, beginning anew. I am finishing the first, long initial arc of waking up: fully claiming the solid ground where I am truly not lost in the labyrinth of mind.
I have stepped away from everything for now, even my understanding of magic. I use magic now to talk to myself, and to those that support my ascent, about what is true, to inform my consciousness based upon what is real. When I come back to all these things, I will be on a new footing. But I am not thinking of that now. Acceptance before action. This is my self-sacrifice right now, what I offer: Acceptance instead of action. Action has been compensating, which gets in the way of integration. Action stops, so I can find all and exactly what I am now. As I begin again, from where I am, I begin as all that I truly am.
I, who walked about the Ashram for hours in the Supreme State—one of so many profound gifts from my guru, who I never spoke with in person—when there was only One… seeing through those eyes, laughing and laughing when I encountered parts of my Self that were on the phone… calling my Self! Shiva calling Shiva on the phone. “Hello? Are you there??” I experienced His play as so delightful, so delicious.
Now I experience this deepest bliss as I find that my beloved paramashiva is so close and intimate to me as Lord Sathanas, the Supreme Consciousness. So much bliss.
This step is vital: I accept who I really am, and actively choose that, without compensating, without hiding (under shame). I have gone back to reclaim things I rejected or sacrificed in myself in order move on from what happened as a child. I am facing pain, but I don’t believe in living in pain.
24 August
I have figured out exactly what is going on. I can see exactly why I am feeling pain right now, and what needs to be addressed. I will write more about this as I pinpoint what the next step is in resolving this situation. [I met with the Magus, and all of this changed].
27 August
I get it. Playful in the moment. Not “dying inside” (as I did then) to know what it all means.
Soul retrieval. This I will do.
29 August
I am in the moment, free. I feel a new and profound authenticity in my rituals, in my actions and in my words.
I have dropped expectation. I am ready in every moment to find out how to serve my Lord Sathanas. I listen. I am listening for His direction. Will I find it, arising in my heart? Will the Magus hear Sathanas’ call to action for me in his ministry? Words for His humble servant, His brave warrior.
Twilight in the Underworld 
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