Escalating chaos and the fatigue of responsiveness

Nicholas Copernicus art

I am transforming so quickly it is hard to blog about what is happening.

Now that I call Satan ‘Father,’ and ask him again and again not to leave, I experience an unshakeable connection with him, where before I was always trying to create and sustain a connection.

Sometimes his possession of me is so intense I am far, far beyond total amazement.

I haven’t been able to get my phone, computer, or my FM transmitter in my car to work properly. This has lasted through several permutations of trying and trying, and not getting them to work. I have internet access, but no wi-fi. I can send messages on my phone but cannot make or recieve calls. This has been going on for weeks, several weeks!

Why does this keep happening, I asked myself over and over. There has to be a lesson to it. The metaphysical meaning to all of this disruption to my digital connections to the world.

Today, after another unsuccessful attempt with the phone tech support department, I really just sat and thought about what this all meant.

I see that I am very attached to the gadgets in my life, to all that is digital, to daily wrestling with my emails, my budget, to all the things that lead me to be staring into a computer and trying to control my reality. I finally get this. I need to grow beyond this, the techy girl who gets things done, gets things to work. It’s an attachment to something that keeps me small, an attachment to a small life.

What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like I have friends, LOL. I love my solitary life. I need to retreat from the things that shrink my perception down to one of making something happen digitally in a given moment. I can see myself being free from all this.

I cringe when old pain surfaces, and I have to battle it back down. It isn’t real. It isn’t real. I am challenging the sources of anxiety. This I know: the past has ceased to exist, except in my mind. I am focusing on the source of my feelings, the chaotic lumber down inside the collapsed house I have had to build upon. The chaos I built my survival structures over and on.

I feel like all Americans are squeezed, and losing control. Our lives have become so complicated with too many little threads of technology, work, etc. that we juggle all the time. We juggled harder and harder, and now the balls have hit the floor. We cannot get all the balls back in the air.

Chaos is prevailing. It is all spinning out of control.

Infrastructure is disintegrating. As simple as keeping bridges in repair.

Greedy corporations are taking advantage of the chaos, and letting go even the appearance of including the values of cooperation and empowerment they have offered as value-added to their money making products. Politics have become savage. The spammers and scammers are multiplying, and become more and more effective at victimizing people, mostly the old and the frail. Multiple customer service chats are now juggled at the same time by customer support employees, undermining the quickness of getting things done by chat as opposed to that of a phone call.

Emails are more manipulative, and the ‘good will’ parts of them like offering an easy way to unsubscribe are morphing into something you have to hunt for. Most of us are too busy to follow through with these many forms of chaos that are pulling apart the fabric of our society.

I can’t remember. What happened? What did I do to fix it? It all becomes ancient history so quickly.

I feel a new fatigue, an overworked openness and flexibility. I see my ability to stay in control of so many little things I use day to day, all slipping away at a rate that is escallating.

I end up putting up with things that have been changed for corporations’ benefit. I am simply overwhelmed.

Microsoft Windows 11 up and changed a bunch of configuration options I can no longer add back to my PC. Basic things like my color scheme, and where the task bar sits on my screen. Microsoft has always been about grasping and controlling everything Windows touches, so they could leverage their near monopoly on their operating system. They are ruthlessly deprecating functions that aren’t used by the majority in order to control the bloat of the application called Windows. I hate Microsoft.

I hate Microsoft. I hate Verizon. I hate Cox Communications. I hate YouTube. I hate Facebook. I hate Elon Musk’s travesty with Twitter. I hate eBay. I hate Etsy.

I need to get away from these things.

I have plans. Once I get through the holiday rush on Etsy, I am going to go on a long hiatus. I will suspend as many of the digital entities I interact with as possible. I don’t have that much stuff, but my small apartment feels overloaded and claustrophobic. I’ve begun clearing out my apartment.

I need to clear it all out. I need to sit down, and RELAX. I need to take a break from RESPONDING. I can take a break from working. I can simplify everything else as much as possible.

I think I am doing very important work right now. I am being transformed so rapidly that I forget how to spell words I have easily spelled all my life. I forget how to do things I have done many times.

I am punch drunk.

I feel that I am being directed to stop my Etsy shop NOW. The timing is NOW. But I just can’t do it. Not right before Christmas. I go around and around with this, constantly questioning my unwillingness to stop Etsy now. To stop working now.

During meditation tonight, I saw myself flying through the darkness very far above the North American continent. I looked down, seeing the many lights of cities, and the black openness of the ocean. And I felt for all the people who are sleepy sheep, tethered to a machine of consumption based on feelings of inferiority and shame. So many whose basic needs are not met, or barely met.

Then there are people all around the world who are hungry, who are dying. I felt a compassion for humans I haven’t felt fully before.

This I know: I am moving on. There is all that will be let go of, that I will leave behind. And the new is so much more profound than anything I have ever dreamed of. I am becoming a new astral creature of great power, filled with the power of my Father, Lord Satan. His fire burns within me. I carry that fire to everyone I encounter.

Ave Satanas. Ave. Ave.

Nicholas Copernicus art

Twilight in the Underworld

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