It is happening. It has taken most of the month of January. To stop. To stop being driven.
I spent a year building and maturing my business. I’ve done quite well. And I have been obsessed, an obsession that lasted every day for most of the day. Since November 2021.
I was instructed. To stop. Just stop. Relax into it. What is here when I am not doing stuff.
The idea was to stop at the end of December. I had a reading with E___ the other day, and he confirmed it.
Let go. Just let go.
“We’re all loading now. Until February, he said.”
I watch now. For that moment. When I start to fabricate the story about what is happening to me. Augmenting
I came to the Occult with a life-long paradigm. With an emptiness. With an obsession with filling up my emptiness.
I knew. I knew that I would be amazing at black magic. Very sensitive to energy. Over twenty years of intense meditation and kundalini work. But I didn’t know yet that I would have to let go of all this. EVERYTHING I have lived for.
Here’s a clue: I idly thought tonight… that I don’t trust anything if my mind isn’t involved.
It has been very challenging to challenge that.
I often notice now, the very second my mind latches onto my inner feelings, the swirling elements around me that until now have only served my agenda, the filling of the emptiness, the answer to my deepest needs, the creating of this narrative from all that happens to me.
I stop. I stop my mind. IT HATES THIS. It has taken a few weeks for this to really take. For it to not be extremely uncomfortable. I’ve been eating so much, self-soothing. I have moments of fear, anxiety, and terror. The bottom has slipped out. I am floating.
But I know. Now I know. I have chosen to let go of who I thought I was, and the solution(s) that I have lived for, waiting… aching… waiting.
What do you suppose is under all this ‘mind making more of everything?’ Of driving myself to try to control my life into this picture I have inside? Of fulfillment?
CONTROL. I have to give up control, give up the illusion that I know the fundamental equation of my life. I have had to become as unaware as possible what emotional and magical success would mean, to me.
The craving. What did I crave?
FEELING. DEPTH OF EXPERIENCE. DEVELOPMENT… from this into this into this… FOREVER.
ALL TO FILL UP THE ACHING EMPTINESS THAT I FOUND IN MYSELF, THEN AS A TEENAGER CRAVING ANY AMOUNT OF MAGIC, NOW AS A BLACK MAGICIAN AND A SATANIST.
I actually remember that moment, a little over a year ago. When I realized that the Occult is real. That it has to do with this emptiness inside of me. That as someone who is uniquely positioned to begin…. to come in at a very effective, mature level, the simple thought that…
“I AM GOING TO BE A KICKASS MAGICIAN.”
I craved trance and possession. Finally. Something is happening to me! And it is magic!!
I had many amazing experiences. With Lucifer, Hecate. Belial, Lilith. Set, Arachne.
I began to recognize that the depth of trance and possession was becoming uncomfortable for me. I didn’t think that was possible! More… more…. that has been my mantra. All that has been happening to me had to become very intense for that to happen, and it has reached that level now. I never thought this surge of magical feelings and experience could be TOO MUCH FOR ME. No.
It is… because, I have always used my mind to analyze what is happening, shape it into the intensity I have been craving.
And now…. I am finding out something profound. I have a new feeling that it is possible to feel too much. I did not think this was possible. And now I know why.
I have been attached to filtering everything through my mind. But I have begun to have experiences of intense trance and possession that (easily) swamp my mind, expanding well beyond it. I found myself trying to put the brakes on. I did not know this was even possible.
And so. It is happening. It has taken most of the month of January. To stop. To stop being driven.
I was instructed. To stop. Just stop. Relax into it. What is here when I am not doing stuff. I was instructed to stop doing ceremonial magic. To even go to my altar. Because all of this was strangling me, and I didn’t realize it.
I had to choose. All that I have lived for. All that I have done to try to fill the emptiness.
I had to choose. And I chose to let it all go.
How did I not see that I was constantly driving myself? Pushing. Contorting myself. Trying to turn my moments into other kinds of moments. Ones that had feeling, that built upon each moment in an expanding series of the growth of my consciousness, of my soul.
And tonight, it happened. Something. Can I talk about it without making a story out of it, meshing it all into a narrative of magical satisfaction, of real magic?
I felt something new. I didn’t let my mind get ahold of it. I breathed a little deeper. Would it continue? Deepen?
I got a headache in the center of my brain (pineal gland?), the same headache I get when I do psychic readings. A headache I don’t remember every having.
And tonight was different. I didn’t feel the things I usually feel. The little prickles of someone touching my crown chakra over and over, the petals moistened, then loosening, unfurling. None of that.
My trance now leads well beyond my mind. Until I am in very deep meditation. When the fire on my altar dances in utter silence, and my consciousness is shaped anew, as something very, very steady. Pure. Perfect.
I felt something in my solar plexus—the place that J_____ touched when he appeared next to my bed two days ago—a tightness there released, which also opened my heart. A gift.
I felt this place again, and breathed into it. Very careful to stop my mind when it tried to make a story about what was happening.
I fell into a sensual trance, and then Azazel was standing in the same spot that J_____ was standing in. Near my bed, near to me.
He made love to me astrally/energetically before he came down to me on the bed, placing his hands on my breasts, an unmistakable pressure, so pleasing.
Then he was above me, kissing me, and then entering me… and our lovemaking was exquisite, filling me with a gently surging, then insistent pleasure as I let go into the waves of release, over and over. He possessed me, and it was a magical dance of pleasure, the insistent pleasure filling me as a gently expanding interaction with all that I am.
We kissed, as we often do. I pleasured him with my mouth, as I often do. Then he lay on me for awhile as I tickled his skin, cooing to him as I always do… “I want to give you pleasure.” I felt the all over astonishingly sensual ache of saturated sexual energy, a very calm need that needs no further meaning, or result. Just pure and exquisitely magical sensation as heat and pleasure, throughout my body and being.
I have felt this way many times after our coupling, and can only wonder what this sacred sexual energy is doing to me, how it contributes to lifting me, powering my ascent. And I feel no need now to figure it out.
And so. Some of these places tonight, these sensations were familiar. But it all felt different.
That is why I say…
It is happening. It has taken most of the month of January. To stop. To stop being driven. To be completely teachable.
I stopped doing ceremonial magic. I rarely went to my altar. I had acted with my limiting agenda when I did these things. And they are still forbidden to me, for now.
I have given up my agenda, the limiting agenda that has to be lovingly set free, the many years of it as the treasure I have guarded and cherished as my fundamental meaning and motivation in this world. The land upon which I have built the house of me.
I didn’t have to know what these new feelings were, all the new feelings I felt tonight. I allowed them. I breathed into them. I trusted that I am absolutely being transformed into everything I could ever want, and so much more… and that it will all go on for eternity.
My ascent. I have let go into my magical ascent.
I am letting go.
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