My cosmology takes a hit… again

I am human.

I am not one of the divine entities that I am intimate with, who power my ascent.

What is the purpose of my life? I thought I knew. I based every year of my adult life on a plan, not a grand plan, a mighty little plan that traded away everything for the one thing that I sought, and sought mightily.

I started deeply traumatized and broken at age 11. I started deeply, deeply depressed as a teenager, terrified of having to enter adulthood, the wider world around my small family, my small room. I started as an 17 year old falling out of the nest, and failing several times to figure out how to support myself, to figure out how I might in some minimal way, some workable way, become a self-sufficient adult… without sacrificing my soul.

I hated working. It caused massive anxiety attacks that were only cured by quitting each job after a few days, at the most a couple of weeks. I had to start over, again and again. I took jobs that weren’t right for me, not understanding yet what I needed. Eventually I found entry level jobs that I liked, beginning with being a parts driver for automobile stores, which gave me a lot of freedom as I drove from place to place, singing to the radio and simply enjoying the act of driving.

As always, I struggled with all of my problems great and small, without seeking or finding help. I raised myself. It didn’t occur to me to even conceive of finding help as an emerging adult.

Through all of this, I had one lofty goal. To find a life that filled me with magic, the magic I found in books, the magic I felt that was missing in my life, and which I desperately needed. The flow. The being carried along. Of opening to each greater experience, feeling it fill me, filling my sails, propelling me through each deeply satisfying moment.

I didn’t expect this life to be especially easy. I only knew that I didn’t want to be a depressed person who felt little or nothing. A person who had no means of nurturing my spirit and my soul.

I have detailed in other posts all the many things I tried as a seeker to find my magic, my path, to find my legs, and then my wings.

All of these years later, I have discovered the Occult, and I have been taught. I have been led. The entities that have come into my life have slowly but surely teased me apart from all that which I brought to this new path, to the very purpose of it; all that I thought I wanted and needed in order to really live and thrive. Magic.

I tried in so many ways to “do magic right.” When I felt the bliss of possession, I immediately tried (as with everything) to use it, to extend it, manipulate it, to augment and control it. And this did not work. I kept trying. But I am so lucky. I was listening. Each experience of what did or did not work about the magic of the Occult taught me in a powerful way. The divine entities are infinitely wise. And they have teased this all apart for me, teaching me how to proceed.

I was able, eventually, to stop trying to “do magic right,” the way I have tried over and over to “do life right.” I stopped doing ceremonial magic. I only felt the exquisite, divine possessions of unseen entities. Slowly I learned this, how to simply feel each of the series of divine moments that now flow through me daily in waves.

And so. I finally gave up on my life’s dream. It was limiting. It was in the way. It was in the way of the life that I wanted and craved with my entire being. The solution to my life had become the problem, a mighty problem. It was the dream of someone who would trade everything for this one precious discovery, a precious golden thread that would pull me out of emptiness and up into a life of feeling and meaning.

I was so angry. I still am. I want to be divine. To experience my divinity as real, every day. Only now do I realize that I have been trying to find and experience my divinity. All that I have done to find it was in the way… of finding and finally experiencing my divinity as the truth about my being, the meaning to my life, to my day to day experience of being here, a human, born on this earth, a resident of this universe.

It was a few months ago when I saw all this so clearly. And I was so angry. I have to give up the thing that I have lived for? The thing I value far more than anything else in this world? In myself? In my life??

Aaargh! I raged, I yelled, I cursed. I shook, I cried. For days. For weeks.

I didn’t know yet what would take the place of this, my most precious struggle, my most precious goal.

Over and over. I have been led to let it go. Let it all go.

Start over. Reborn at age 64. Jettison all that I have been.

But here I am, a human. I have many divine qualities. And I experience the love and teaching of several divine entities—moving as waves through me and through the certain moments of my days—arriving, lifting and transforming me, then slipping away.

I am just now accepting this, that while I am absolutely being supported in my ascent, a great deal of my life is spent with the ho hum moments that make up most of the human day.

I am human. I am not one of the divine entities that I am intimate with, who power my ascent.

What is the purpose of this life as a human? Here I am basically stuck in it all, this mundane reality.

Well… this is what I am thinking. The purpose of life as a human in mundane reality…. is to experience being a human in mundane reality. To experience interacting with others who find themselves here as well. There are so many different people that I come in contact with, with whom I sometimes connect in ways large, or small.

I know, I know. Everyone says this is the purpose of life. All the wise people, all the sometimes silly people who parrot the words of wise people.

I am at the effect of this place. I also affect what I do with it, the choices I make, the meaning I give to the unexpected which I encounter every day.

I asked this a few days ago. What is the purpose of my life? Is it this? To surf all this with as little attachment possible, as I manage to develop, as I continue to develop my lessening attachment to things great and small. What if this is the meaning of life? To accept when things are mundane, to observe and live the moments that may feel empty, useless, or worse, without expectation.

Oh well. This is what life is like, most often it seems. (Except when I’m sleeping. Thank the gods for sleep.)

And so. My life is a mix of the mundane, and the influence of the mighty, demonic kings and queens of this universe. Who knows who or what they are. I think if they showed us their true nature, our limited, human brains would tilt, they would go zort, we would end up slobbering on the floor, trying to reboot a blue screen brain.

But, what if…????? I have begun to think that the entities are changing and developing as well.

I have begun to think that the divine entities are changing and developing as well, and that their evolution is tied to ours.

What? The divine entities are not at the pinnacle of development, OF PERFECTION?? Then what is above them??? What created them???? Where does it all come from, spiraling out of, spiraling into something else. There must be a center point, the original singularity! (This is such a Mormon point of view).

My cosmology continues to be mightily challenged. My cosmology has taken a mighty hit. I do not think or expect at all that this challenge to my cosmology will slow or stop at any time soon.

So, what does it mean to be human? What can I do with this mind and body and soul, travelling between and through the daily waves of the divine that come and that go, that develop and change me in a certain, elegant, seemingly ordered way? As I travel through and amidst the beauty of nature, and the infinitely variable experiences of passing social interaction, and perhaps connection? As I share the simple light of love with others in the simple moments and acts of each day, something I am rather good at. I am good at something!

Can I find meaning in being a human, in having these successions of many mundane moments, seasoned here and there by moments of deep contact with the transformative divine?

I don’t know yet. Is this really it? I am still more or less upset about all this. I still feel some anger, shed some tears. My life hasn’t turned out like I planned. I am not thanking the gods at this point. No. I am still pissed off. But not as much.

I am starting to calm down a little, slip down into this emerging understanding, this version of reality without trying to change it. Looking around. I am looking around.

Looking without and within.

Just looking.