Breaking the brittle world

I sank into deep meditation, but again I realized it was a trance, and that this was somewhat different. It wasn't so much about stilling my mind, as it was opening to transforming energies. This time I was in a deeply altered state that I don't remember experiencing before. I could feel myself being transformed,... Continue Reading →

Here, beyond all that is known

I find myself in a box. One that I made for myself. One I have never thought outside of, and so, the one I never acted outside of. I have been ambitious all my life. My ambition has made me serious to a fault. But my ambition was and has not been a gamble. My... Continue Reading →

Pathworking with Azazel

Night before last. I felt the call to my altar. I lit all of the candles, waving incense before my temple deities. I settled in to meditate. I called to Azazel, inviting him to my temple. Eya On Ca Azazel Aken. Great king, come to my temple. Come to my temple. I began to visualize... Continue Reading →

Ritual

— Cover art by Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema 'The Women of Amphissa'— Ritual. I wore my special temple robe and unfurled the Qliphothic circle to stand/sit in. I lit all the candles, and waved incense to the deities of my temple. I sacrificed (a little of) my blood on my new Azazel sigil. My breathing was... Continue Reading →

All my life

I don't have to pretend anymore... that I suffer, that said suffering has meaning. I suffer no more. My life has meaning. I have reached the fulfillment of purpose I have fought for all my life. The chains are breaking. The chains are broken. Broken by truth. Only truth is enough. Only truth is ever... Continue Reading →

Falling in love with a demon

"There are entities that have chosen to co-evolve with me. Like the angel investors of the world of finance and venture capital, the entities that interact with me are the angel investors of my soul. They foresee an immense return on the capital they invest in me." I have a partnership. My partnership is with... Continue Reading →

Dream of a monstrous depth

I dreamed that I was sitting on a couch opposite B______-X. It felt so good to be chatting with him, to be treated as an equal. I felt myself lifted up, my self-worth soaring. My body was singing with the pleasure of doing something that I love. Being close to someone I greatly admire. At... Continue Reading →

Step from myself into myself

—Art by John Reinhard Weguelin— RITUALS I have done rituals to invoke/evoke entities, initially to learn the basic skills for magic. I have continued rituals for the experience of connection and possession. But after the first few weeks in magical instruction, I stopped doing rituals for a specific purpose. Then I stopped doing rituals at... Continue Reading →

Love under will

Looking back over my recent blog posts... so many threads coming together. Feeling ambivalent, fragmented in my approach to magic. Finding my worth, in this world and beyond, as someone who has chosen to evolve. Bungling the task of wholeness. Bartering my potential for one certain outcome. The willingness, the readiness to trade away what... Continue Reading →

A certain wholeness

—Art by Fulco Culto ~ A God and a Goddess Wedding— "Expectation is a prison." ~Robert Fripp It's simple really. The choice. Trade away my purpose for a tantalizing transformation into something I am not, or find my purpose, the specific transformation I am born to. I have experienced my life and who I am... Continue Reading →

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