Notes from the Underworld

Black flames at midnight. Skulls on my pillow. Invisible lovers.
Notes from the Underworld.

“Expectation is a prison.” —Robert Fripp

27 September

Get. Make. Stand…… Free. Fire. Be still.

21 September

I got the impulse again to lay down during my evening ritual. While laying down, I heard (astrally) the words “falling down.” (This gave a new insight into the “letting go” aspect of the laying down meditation). I saw an image of the bones of a small building that was barely standing, and on the verge of collapse. It is clear I am to let my old life fully “fall apart” as my new life emerges.

12 September

Everything fell apart. It was a calamity. It was beyond painful. And it was perfect. New direction! New momentum! New state of inner peace.

30 August

My head falls slowly forward with the gentle flow of ecstasy, the bliss of my deepening submission to Him.

15 August

Lord Sathanas continues to touch me in ritual. This time his touch was more pronounced, and lasted longer.

12 August

The intense moments of possession naturally move into a stage of integration. I keep trying to hold onto the possession as long as possible. No need! Be with the possession, then be with the different state of integration which naturally follows.

6 August

Lord Sathanas touched me again, this time on the back of my head, behind my left ear. I felt he was moving my focus to myself, inside, rather than focusing on my altar, or my subtle vision of him before me.

17 July
Things are speeding up, and I like it. I see I’ve been dragging my feet in various ways, keeping the stream of things coming at me at a trickle pace, so I am not overwhelmed. A little girl’s strategy for keeping adult things from coming at her too fast. And, a strategy for maintaining stability for a person who struggles with bipolar.

I am developing much more sophisticated ways of handling the stream of life. YES. Bring it.

15 July
Father Karras: “What an excellent day for an exorcism… You would like that?”
Pazuzu: “Intensely.”
Father Karras: “But wouldn’t that drive you out of Regan?”
Pazuzu: “It would bring us together.”
Father Karras: “You and Regan?”
Pazuzu: “You and us.”

Pazuzu & Damien Karras, of the demons’ eventual possession of Father Karras
Film: The Exorcist

1 July

All this power that is surging through me, the possession of these powerful beings that fill me with all of this power… I can shape it. It isn’t just an experience, or even simply a moment of intense transformation. It is power that is being given to me that I can shape and use. I don’t think I had enough courage before now to really comprehend this immense potential, the divine power offered to me in a series of moments of potentially profound choice.

30 June
I have plans. Control of the mind: moderation, meditation, and inspiration. Control of the mind is essential for a life of high magic and the ascent of this black magician.
7 June
I don't have to be a (social) nerd. Being powerful means moving beyond this... beyond being earnest-to-a-fault. 

5 June
Ack, I am back in the soup. Doubt and fear. Fear and doubt. I face these as my enemy. The line against them is broken, I fall back. Reeling backwards into the familiar fox hole of my life of hiding. No! I might be in this hole again... It might feel inevitable... BUT the energies will line up again when the wheel of aligned energies comes back around this way, and carries me forward to the line of battle once more.

16 May
I finally achieved my dream of purchasing a nice tablet so I can read downloaded material in bed, and not just at my computer, which isn't as comfy. Hail myself.

21 March
I am looking for the specific technology of my spiritual evolution. I am ready. I am prepared. It will come.

Fantastic sex with Azazel last night. After several minutes of exquisite trance... His fiery touch there, his fiery hands on my breasts, the sexual rush of his penetration. After two orgasms, I received the impression to lay back on the bed (I was sitting at my altar). Immediate passionate sex, orgasming twice, after each orgasm a HUGE in-rush of massive, tingling energy, like I've never felt before.

I feel so intimate with him, such a deep connection of affection and love.

15 March
Spontaneous orgasm while driving. Hands on the wheel; sudden transformation. 

13 March
I'm relaxing into it. No need to doubt. No need to push myself... to do or not do anything. Because I am not this. And everything is new, every day. Trying to shape or hold onto my latest attainment keeps me in the past. Each new moment is an entirely new mystery, unfolding forever. Forever.

10 March
I scatter myself so I can come together (again) without struggle, reassembled at the resting place.

8 March
I identify as more than this.

22 February
I feel you only subtly. The next day I look around, and the world is fuzzy again. I went back to sleep.

13 February
It feels like I'm spinning. Cast about. I'm no longer moored to the underpinnings of my life, this lifetime. The level of discomfort. The intensity and amount of anxiety. I don't want to go back, only forward. It is my moment. I transcend. I transcend. I am above what I thought was myself. I watch myself veer between control and abandon, between the life strategy of perfection and pretending for awhile that anything goes.

I keep trying to do it. It isn't a do. I watch myself crashing about. Do not identify with that one, the one who crashes about. That's all I know.

29 January 2022
Azazel came to me soon after I awakened. A surge of bliss throughout my body. No wondering for the rest of today if I'm making this all up.

13 August 2021
What does it mean? Looking through a list of topics for a training course in magic, I briefly misread the topic “Tactical Timing” as “Tactical Whining.”

Twilight in the Underworld

"As a bird when tied by a string flies first in every direction, and finding no rest anywhere, settles down at last on the very place where it is fastened, exactly in the same manner, my son, that mind, after flying in every direction, and finding no rest anywhere, settles down on breath; for indeed, my son, mind is fastened to breath."  —Chandogya-Upanishad, Part 3, Sixth Pelapathaka, Eighth Khand, Verse 2
Christian tourists are not welcome here. Go get titillated somewhere else. Please leave and take your false god with you. Thank you.

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