Black flames at midnight. Skulls on my pillow. Invisible lovers.
Notes from the Underworld.
“Expectation is a prison.” —Robert Fripp
3 March
Things go poof! Things go BOING! Things evaporate. Things appear.
15 February
We ride on… we ride ’til dawn. ~Wyatt
7 January
I was sitting with the wall very close to me on my left. And I felt so clearly that someone had touched me there. A tender little, very certain swoosh on the outside of my left arm near my shoulder. I am here. Who are you? Ahh, it is my Lord Satan. Why don’t you appear? You touch me. You possess me, but I still haven’t seen you. Someday. I will ask and ask. Someday.
Everything entities do have layers of meaning. I am here, he said, with you. And I give you this certainty, that there is nothing on this side of you that could have touched you. Truly only an astral being could have done so, as there was no room whatsoever for someone to stand to my left, or behind me, with my back and shoulder both less than a foot from the wall. I looked and there was absolutely nothing next to or behind me.
Congratulations have been given. I have officially begun this day, for the first time, the ability to experience the presence of an entity without my mind leaping in to try controlling and augmenting, mental habits which have been like breathing for me. I have done the work. I have progressed mightily. I am so grateful, for I have been prepared. I can begin again.
7 January
I don’t believe in pain. Pain is not inevitable. Pain is a powerful teacher that I choose to jettison as soon as I can by crafting a calculated response to it. Always first is immediately noticing pain. I take a moment to learn from it, then make an immediate correction. To believe in pain is to survive it. Every day. Every hour. No. I don’t believe in this. I don’t believe in pain.
6 January
I had seen it. The way it is embedded in my entire approach to life, every moment. Pushing. Augmenting. Shepherding. CONTROLLING. And I could see that this striving earnestness HAS TO GO. The next time I felt the intense presence and transforming power of an entity inside myself, I watched and felt this as I simply allowed this to happen. Trust. No attempts at control. TOTAL GAME CHANGER.
5 January 2023
That moment when I realized that I am not just an earnest person, raised a Mormon, championing my direction at every turn, deeply involved in whatever I’m involved in at the moment… ANOTHER NAME FOR THIS ERNESTNESS IS CONTROL.
18 November
Bucket list
- Transform astrally/serve Satan
- Have a really nice phone (and a laptop/tablet)
- Get some tattoos
- No more pain
- Apply for widow benefits
- Work out/stretch to become strong again
- Publish a book x2+ / become famous / teach
- Live on consultations/video courses
- Investigate a fraternity/sorority/coven
- Attend a Behemoth concert, meet Nergal
- Move back to SLC
- Live the van life/few possessions/income to use gas as desired/nature and road trips
- Buy fun clothes
- Electric guitar/make garage videos/play in a band
- Vacation in a remote cabin in the winter
- Live in land of midnight sun
- Vacation in England/Europe, India, Australia, Thailand
- Vacation on a train
- Vacation in Hawaii/take a cruise
- Learn to surf (go skiing)
- Get full implants/teeth
- Participate in a charity/non-profit/pets for elderly?
8 November
The skills and rituals of the Occult come so easily to me. I experience energy and possession so easily that I don’t have to do rituals. The way in which I am still a beginner, after a year of practice, is that my concept of myself, my life, and what is possible, is still limited. My destiny is starting to claim me, opening me to depths and directions of ascent that are fantastic and unbelievably exciting. I am thrilled. I am enthralled. I am becoming.
6 October
The myriad pieces of my life, jumbled together like pressure plates of winter ice, locked together in flow… break apart now with a new spring… opening the dark depths below to my gossamer fisher’s line of expert placement and carefully crafted little point of intention… flying with the sharp hook of my beguiling words of magick, snaring the lifted, living gifts of bounty from their deepest, longest winter’s sleep at last.
27 September
Get. Make. Stand…… Free. Fire. Be still.
21 September
I got the impulse again to lay down during my evening ritual. While laying down, I heard (astrally) the words “falling down.” (This gave a new insight into the “letting go” aspect of the laying down meditation). I saw an image of the bones of a small building that was barely standing, and on the verge of collapse. It is clear I am to let my old life fully “fall apart” as my new life emerges.
12 September
Everything fell apart. It was a calamity. It was beyond painful. And it was perfect. New direction! New momentum! New state of inner peace.
30 August
My head falls slowly forward with the gentle flow of ecstasy, the bliss of my deepening submission to Him.
15 August
Lord Sathanas continues to touch me in ritual. This time his touch was more pronounced, and lasted longer.
12 August
The intense moments of possession naturally move into a stage of integration. I keep trying to hold onto the possession as long as possible. No need! Be with the possession, then be with the different state of integration which naturally follows.
6 August
Lord Sathanas touched me again, this time on the back of my head, behind my left ear. I felt he was moving my focus to myself, inside, rather than focusing on my altar, or my subtle vision of him before me.
17 July
Things are speeding up, and I like it. I see I’ve been dragging my feet in various ways, keeping the stream of things coming at me at a trickle pace, so I am not overwhelmed. A little girl’s strategy for keeping adult things from coming at her too fast. And, a strategy for maintaining stability for a person who struggles with bipolar.
I am developing much more sophisticated ways of handling the stream of life. YES. Bring it.
15 July
Father Karras: “What an excellent day for an exorcism… You would like that?”
Pazuzu: “Intensely.”
Father Karras: “But wouldn’t that drive you out of Regan?”
Pazuzu: “It would bring us together.”
Father Karras: “You and Regan?”
Pazuzu: “You and us.”
Pazuzu & Damien Karras, of the demons’ eventual possession of Father Karras
Film: The Exorcist
1 July
THIS IS MAJOR.
All this power that is surging through me, the possession of these powerful beings that fill me with all of this power… I can shape it. It isn’t just an experience, or even simply a moment of intense transformation. It is power that is being given to me that I can shape and use. I don’t think I had enough courage before now to really comprehend this immense potential, the divine power offered to me in a series of moments of potentially profound choice.
30 June I have plans. Control of the mind: moderation, meditation, and inspiration. Control of the mind is essential for a life of high magic and the ascent of this black magician.
7 June I don't have to be a (social) nerd. Being powerful means moving beyond this... beyond being earnest-to-a-fault. 5 June Ack, I am back in the soup. Doubt and fear. Fear and doubt. I face these as my enemy. The line against them is broken, I fall back. Reeling backwards into the familiar fox hole of my life of hiding. No! I might be in this hole again... It might feel inevitable... BUT the energies will line up again when the wheel of aligned energies comes back around this way, and carries me forward to the line of battle once more.
16 May I finally achieved my dream of purchasing a nice tablet so I can read downloaded material in bed, and not just at my computer, which isn't as comfy. Hail myself.
21 March I am looking for the specific technology of my spiritual evolution. I am ready. I am prepared. It will come. Fantastic sex with Azazel last night. After several minutes of exquisite trance... His fiery touch there, his fiery hands on my breasts, the sexual rush of his penetration. After two orgasms, I received the impression to lay back on the bed (I was sitting at my altar). Immediate passionate sex, orgasming twice, after each orgasm a HUGE in-rush of massive, tingling energy, like I've never felt before. I feel so intimate with him, such a deep connection of affection and love. 15 March Spontaneous orgasm while driving. Hands on the wheel; sudden transformation. 13 March I'm relaxing into it. No need to doubt. No need to push myself... to do or not do anything. Because I am not this. And everything is new, every day. Trying to shape or hold onto my latest attainment keeps me in the past. Each new moment is an entirely new mystery, unfolding forever. Forever. 10 March I scatter myself so I can come together (again) without struggle, reassembled at the resting place. 8 March I identify as more than this.
22 February I feel you only subtly. The next day I look around, and the world is fuzzy again. I went back to sleep. 13 February It feels like I'm spinning. Cast about. I'm no longer moored to the underpinnings of my life, this lifetime. The level of discomfort. The intensity and amount of anxiety. I don't want to go back, only forward. It is my moment. I transcend. I transcend. I am above what I thought was myself. I watch myself veer between control and abandon, between the life strategy of perfection and pretending for awhile that anything goes. I keep trying to do it. It isn't a do. I watch myself crashing about. Do not identify with that one, the one who crashes about. That's all I know.
29 January 2022 Azazel came to me soon after I awakened. A surge of bliss throughout my body. No wondering for the rest of today if I'm making this all up.
13 August 2021 What does it mean? Looking through a list of topics for a training course in magic, I briefly misread the topic “Tactical Timing” as “Tactical Whining.”
Twilight in the Underworld
"As a bird when tied by a string flies first in every direction, and finding no rest anywhere, settles down at last on the very place where it is fastened, exactly in the same manner, my son, that mind, after flying in every direction, and finding no rest anywhere, settles down on breath; for indeed, my son, mind is fastened to breath." —Chandogya-Upanishad, Part 3, Sixth Pelapathaka, Eighth Khand, Verse 2
CHRISTIAN TOURISTS: Christian tourists are not welcome here. Go get titillated somewhere else. Please leave and take your false god with you. Thank you.
Twilight in the Underworld 
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