I sank into deep meditation, but again I realized it was a trance, and that this was somewhat different. It wasn’t so much about stilling my mind, as it was opening to transforming energies. This time I was in a deeply altered state that I don’t remember experiencing before. I could feel myself being transformed, the divine energies filling me.
My ears popped. The energy was thick and pushing the very air about me.
I had a thought: Perhaps my change isn’t going to consist of new experience, as much as it is simply transformation. Being, as compared to doing the change.
My ego didn’t like that. I want to go somewhere, get ahead, become something else.
Then I saw the forest. Similar to my last meditation. The sun sparkling through the leaves. The fresh breeze.
Azazel was walking in front of me again, his back to me.
Then we were at the edge of a clearing, a place where the sun was shining in a shifting, leafy circle at the center.
I did not want to go into the clearing. I wanted the trance to take me somewhere else, away from the bright light of the sun.
But, no. It was where I was going. Into the clearing, into the sunlight.
Then I felt all the world surrounding me, a brittle plane of existence. I was trapped in the center of it. I wore it like a belt around my waist.
I wanted to get out of the clearing. I needed to get away.
I pushed down on the world, trying to stop the feelings of suffocation. It was then I realized the world was brittle, and I broke it around me, broke it from me, pushing it away and down in great pieces. This was a silent moment, followed by the world stuck to me like before.
I tried again and again, breaking it off of me, finding it stuck to me again.
I remembered earlier, when I asked again, what is the next step? I now see and experience myself as a subtle creature much bigger than this body. But now what? I want to go, do.
This is what is next, I thought. There is some way to break my connection to the “mundane” world, to shuck it off like a huge weight, a suffocating trap.
I am being taught how to do that.
I popped out of the trance, though I still felt its energies thick around me.
More will be revealed.
Art from “Mind Game” (2004)