—’Autopsy’ by Enrique Simonet—
I cannot be truly powerful unless I am integrated. Integrated means grasping the whole of what I am.
When I am involved in addictive behaviors, I am trying to get something from a substance or activity. This pursuit is mentally and physically obsessive.
Obsession is the opposite of integration.
I have given up drinking coke all day. THIS IS HUGE. I was drinking coke and coke zero pretty much all day.
I am only having ice cream once per day. I will no longer order chocolate bars with my groceries. Not because they are ‘bad’ for me. Because I obsess over them. I have them whether I really want to, or not.
What is left? Mainly vaping.
I’m not going to stop vaping at the same time as giving up coke. But it is coming. I am addicted to vaping. I will need the patch or similar. I can easily get a prescription for this. I gave up smoking years ago. I know how formidable nicotine withdrawal is. I can do this.
I was shown by Azazel that I am much greater than what I thought I am, and also that I must break my attachment to the world around me (see my last post). I can do this, but only if I am much closer to full integration.
I have decided not to pressure myself about anything magically. This comes from obsession, from the habit of trying to “do it right.”
Pressuring myself is the opposite of integration.
I attend to my temple and temple deities when I want to. It is not daily. I don’t have to be at my altar to meditate, to connect with my patron deities in the moment.
Some of my candles are “electric.” I have them on a timer now. LOL. They light my altar with a pleasingly warm light.
THIS IS GOING TO BE HUGE. I’ve never done this. Not trying to be perfect, without creating experiences of abandon instead. Just walk away when the thought process starts.
When I obsess about how to do magic and rituals, I will stop. I will not do that thing, the activity I am questioning, pressuring myself about. I will not engage with that thought process. I will not ‘go through,’ as in working with this part of me. Rather, I will ‘go around’ this obsessive part of myself.
I can stop it. I can step away.
I can free myself from this circular obsession and doubt.
I don’t have to do anything. I don’t have to do things a certain way. I don’t have to constantly obsess on how to do magic right.
Obsession and doubt.
SO OVER IT.