Battling the mind control of doubt

Hi E____, I'll bet you know immediately what I am talking about if I say that as someone raised Mormon, I am plagued by doubt. Self-questioning and examination. Re-examination. Endless...!

Am I fooling myself? Has the devil's deception begun to take root in my day to day life? In the very things I care most about?

I constantly question. I am constantly going back to "step one" in KNOWING anything. It's maddening.

Is Azrael really here? Or am I titillating myself with "making up" exciting mental images of him pleasuring me? Moving my own energy around as self-stimulation? Could I be causing my own pleasure and release? 

Because of 25 years of experience with the advanced sexuality of BDSM, I do have the capacity to make myself orgasm strongly at any time.

Meanwhile, Azazel is only as present as the level of commitment I have to knowing he is here. He dances with me right on that edge between the magic of the power of certainty and the powerlessness of doubt.

Recently, in a spontaneous moment of magic, I offered my doubt to Belial, and to Death. I renounced doubt, and threw it into the fire. I offered myself to the alchemy of destruction of doubt. Again I watched myself die, lying at the bottom of the grave, where all but my skeleton was (ecstatically) absorbed by the soil, by the microbes. 

Standing upon the earth again, the only thing left was my skeleton, pure white and pristinely clean, substantial and smooth as newly forged titanium steel. 

I am feeling a new, powerful comfort of certainty about the reality of my magic, but I still battle doubt, with doubting if my precious, ecstatic sex with Azazel is real.  Doubt is revealed. It appears as my enemy. I battle the strong urge and habit to give up, to cringe and collapse inward with fear, which I refuse to do. 

I will not give up. I will not let the mind control of doubt trade my certainty in my build up of power for the Mormon "certainty" of QUESTIONING, of starting over to know something. 

I am making progress. But I have not fully vanquished this part of me. I have commenced battle, and the battle is still in progress. I want to destroy this mind control habit, yank it out, root and vine, nothing left of it. I want to be truly, fully powerful, far beyond any previous conception of my potential.

Thoughts and impressions you might offer about this would be so helpful.

~Astarte


COVER ART: Satan Summoning His Legions by Thomas Stothard (c. 1790)