I am having so many intensely transformative experiences that I have felt unable to blog about them. Everything is old news the next day.
Yesterday… A few days ago.
A few days ago, I encountered this quote online:
“The astral universe… is hundreds of times larger than the material universe…
[with] many astral planets, teeming with astral beings.”
— Paramahansa Yogananda
This rocked my world. It opened something in me that spread through me like a destroying fire, consuming all meaning. I already believed in many planets, universes, and beings. But suddenly it all opened up in a way that I experienced as meaningless chaos.
I complained mightily on to my best friend, reeling from the seeming realization that there is no penultimate place or experience, or product of ascent and evolution. A horror of chaos had erupted in my mind and understanding.
I was being freed, being emptied of that which ultimately bound me in limitation, but I did not know it yet. I did find may way back… I have reclaimed meaning. The chaos does not cancel out meaningfulness. I have found a new understanding, a new source of meaningfulness, my purpose.
Lucifer showed me endless portals to universes as we traveled through the black and starlit space of our universe. They are proceeding without my participation, and that is good. But in my universe, I am strongly attached to feeling I am on “the track.” The track that leads on forever as I evolve, and eventually become like the gods and demons that possess and transform me.
After I read the quote by Paramahansa Yogananda, I felt everything around me suddenly veer and explode. I am not on the track, THE track to ascent. There are zillions of tracks. Tracks within tracks. Unlimited number of universes, worlds, beings… it goes on forever. There is no edge to the infinite edgelessness. What if there is no track of ascent for me to discover for myself. What if it all leads to…. nowhere?? Forever???
I was horrified.
ZORT
I always say, you have to pick your ZORT. No matter how you visualize reality, where it began, begins, goes to, ends, etc. etc. everyone reaches a ZORT. Each method of encapsulating reality reaches a point where the human mind can go no further. Most people just don’t think about these things.
If there is one universe, the human mind goes ZORT when we try to conceive of what is beyond our universe, what was before it, what created it and set it in motion. We can’t easily picture our universe having no beginning, and no end. But it’s equally problematical to think that it does.
We also can’t easily picture past our three-dimensional reality. I remembered the Carl Sagan video I watched in which he explained ways to see other dimensions, beyond our conception of three-dimensional space, sort of at the periphery of vision and understanding. You almost have to trick your mind to get to this place of expanding vision.
Meaning. Here I was. Here I have been. I cherish and am unfailingly comfortable with complexity. I have a very nice comfy ZORT, which I have fashioned over my lifetime, one that includes and welcomes paradox and unresolvable contradictions… And it got blown away. NOT COMFY. The meaning of my place and my ascent in my cosmology got exploded. It all became suddenly meaningless.
I have known Lord Shiva intimately as the universal consciousness. I have found him within. And I have looked through his eyes. Since I found the occult, I no longer think the ultimate state is to merge back into Shiva consciousness. But I got trapped into thinking of myself as my astral self, my astral body, something that is greater than and embraces my physical form. BUT THIS IS NOT my ultimate form!
The unfettered eternal… inside, internal… where the concept of external and internal is no longer relevant. It is consciousness. That is where I am. That is what I am.
But before I got to this place, I was in crisis. As I was complaining (mightily) about my crisis of meaning to my smirking friend, (who already believes it is ALL meaningless chaos), I was suddenly possessed by Lord Satan. “Hold on…” I told my friend. My body shook and jerked as energy crashed through and about my being (this included kundalini rising as an orgasm, but I am not sexual with Lord Satan). This lasted for several seconds. Then I was in a very pure state of consciousness. It was calm. Steady. It was immense. All possibility existed in this little moment. Everything was encompassed by this level of consciousness. Everything.
I couldn’t speak in this state. I had ceased thinking. It went beyond my mind. It became a sort of universal mind, in which I remain myself, but I am flowing into it, and it into me. Beyond time and space. And I experience the portal to this as “internal.” It is my consciousness.
My cosmology shifted from my sophisticated conception of the (unlimited) spatial and (eternal) temporal. Things that surround me, places and times in infinite procession. Places I envisioned visiting astrally. Places I have visited astrally.
My cosmology shifted to internal, AS CONSCIOUSNESS. That is where my Lord Satan is. That is where I connect with him. That is where he is reaching out to me. And now I know how to reach back, to flow into each other, to find a loving connection that embodies my potential as transformation. This is what is real to me now.
Immense energy flows into me now that I am reach to and connect to my Lord at this place. It is beyond description. It is beyond inner and outer, beyond time and space.
I reflect on how I found pictures and idols for my altar. Astarte, Azazel, Belial, and Set. But I could never find one that resonated for me as my Lord Satan. Today I removed the Baphomet idol, which I never could quite connect with as representing my Lord’s presence, his essence and consciousness. I now keep my brasier at the center of my altar, in front of the my large scrying mirror, which I experience as a portal.
I pour isopopryl alchol in the little brasier, and light it on fire. Then I meditate. The fire seems to embody an eternal dance with no sound. The ultimate place of that which is timeless. The ultimate mystery… and my destiny to know and live it.
No ceremonial magic. No spells. No sacred words, in my mind or on my tongue.
The inner place is silent and still. Consciousness. Consciousness.
My Lord has shown me recently that he is the fire that flows into me. The fire within a fire. His fire coming up through me, from the sacred darkness, burning within my own soul as fire. My soul as a sort of individual fire within his bright and blazing fire, the ultimate being and state, the source of all light.
This is magnificent! It is what I have been looking for all my life, for the succession lifetimes. It is the ultimate treasure at the heart of all treasures. And now it is mine. It cannot be lost or taken away. I become that which is most precious and real. And I proceed now from this place as the continued unfolding of my soul.
Father, Lord. I love you. I thank you for your love, your eternal, ever enduring love. My Lord, my Lord.
O Lion-Serpent Sun, the beast that whirlest forth A thunder-bolt, begetter of life! Thou that flowest! Thou that goest! Thou Satan-Sun, Hadith, that goest without will! Thou Air! Breath! Spirit! Thou without bound or bond! Thou essence, air swift-streaming, elasticity! Thou wanderer, father of all! Thou wanderer, spirit of all! Hear me, and make all spirits subjects unto me So that every spirit of the firmament and of the ether Upon the earth and under the earth On dry land and in the water Of whirling air, and of rushing fire And every spell and scourge of god May be obedient unto me Thou spiritual sun! Satan, thou eye, thou lust! Cry aloud! Cry aloud! Whirl the wheel, O my Father, O Satan, O Sun!
Twilight in the Underworld 
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